Fooled Me Again!

Ruby's mother came to inform us one late afternoon that they will be taking a leave the next day (which was yesterday). Generally they take leaves on Sundays, but we said "OK". So they didn't come yesterday. And they didn't come today either.

The difference was - we were not informed about today. I waited and waited and finally called, to be answered by her mother (who had recently won my trust), she explained the reason and I knew the circumstances so I knew it was a big deal. She asked me to manage for a day, and she would come to work tomorrow (it is a Sunday). She also asked if I was angry.

What do I say????????

Just how much will people try my patience? How much more will they take me for granted? Is building the relationship just my onus? Why is it expected only from me to be accommodating, understanding and sensitive?

Why do I trust them repeatedly only to feel cheated over and over again?

I have decided to cut her salary to compensate for this extra leave, and cut even more for not informing me of the leave.

But the lesson learnt is that a relationship involves more than 1 person. And if has to exist, all parties involved will have to be motivated to make it work. It is time for them to make deposits with me, stop withdrawals of all kinds. This is if they want to keep our association going.

And the hard fact that it is possible for people to not care about things that are working well for them. For example, Ruby says I am the best employer she's had so far. If I am to sack her, will she lose out on anything? I am not sure she cares enough for what she receives from me.

There are people who do not deserve your niceness, simply because they don't understand they are being treated nicely.

Kind Deeds_21 Nov.2012

My belittling negative self-talk has been around for many years now, consistently eroding my self-esteem. It will take time and consistent effort then to change it.

This blog will also be my portal to learning positive self-talk.

I want to mention my kind deeds daily for 2 reasons:
1. To give tangible proof to myself that I am good at heart. I have a heart and it is filled with love. Lots of love, like a sponge that is dripping with water.
2. To encourage me to expand an already giving heart, by holding thoughts of goodness and kindness which will translate to acts of giving.

Today:
1. I prayed and wished earnestly in my heart that my senior conceive soon. She's been wanting to, for long now.
2. I also explored the possibility of counseling an emotionally starved child who is engaging in disruptive attention seeking behaviour at a school I go to for observership.
3. I also complimented 2 children for an excellent narration of how they spent their Diwali holidays, and enquired after another child who seems deeper and more intense than his classmates, who writes poetry and perhaps needs a mentor.
4. I spoke to the kids about why bursting crackers is not responsible behaviour.
5. I always thank my students for being a nice class, regardless of how they actually were. Because I want them to know that I care about all of us having a disciplined, fun and meaningful class, and that they are important to me.
6. I have been kind, understanding and loving to Meghu despite my own pain.

I am capable of LOVING

The rickshaw man's thin shirt took my mind off my sadness, but only temporarily. My sadness felt so deep and intense, I sat brooding over what had happened over the day. Why did my previous landlords always insult me? Was I really that bad? Was I a bad, hopeless, sadness-inducing person?

And something shifted within me, in the light of what has happened for my Spiritual Umbrella. I reminded this injured self of mine that if 2 shallow people passed judgements and treated me badly, the shallowness remained on their side! I was someone who could snap out of my distress to cover someone in the cold, I was the one to think of educating my maid, give her experiences she had been denied, help her grow. I am one to think of giving/ buying food for beggars than choosing to give change.

So I am NOT how some people think me to be. I have to stop believing them, and believe in myself instead. Not just blind faith, but actually count my goodness so that I am not abusing me with negative self-talk all the time!

As the feeling is sinking in, I am suddenly recollecting SO MANY, just so many instances when I have been selfless, giving, thoughtful about others, exercised foresight and removed hurdles for people, given without expecting anything in return...... I have loved! I am capable of LOVING! I can't believe this - that is, the self that thinks I am no good....... I have to SEE how noble I naturally am.

Good chunks of my day are spent in actions and thoughts which focus on others' good, and I haven't even been aware! I donated both my Grad and Post Grad textbooks to needy juniors. I have gone out of my way to help visually challenged people reach their destination. I have picked other people's litter and thrown in the next available dustbin. I have fought with my near and dear ones to save electricity. I have been using the back sides of printed sheets to conserve trees. I have donated green refuse to cows when I could easily have shoved it all in my dustbin. I pass on unused gifts to people in need instead of hoarding them.

I am a very good person. I am a very responsible and thoughtful and sensitive person. I can stop thrashing and talking myself down, now.

I can remind myself that I have always held an umbrella for others.