Ruby's mother came to inform us one late afternoon that they will be taking a leave the next day (which was yesterday). Generally they take leaves on Sundays, but we said "OK". So they didn't come yesterday. And they didn't come today either.
The difference was - we were not informed about today. I waited and waited and finally called, to be answered by her mother (who had recently won my trust), she explained the reason and I knew the circumstances so I knew it was a big deal. She asked me to manage for a day, and she would come to work tomorrow (it is a Sunday). She also asked if I was angry.
What do I say????????
Just how much will people try my patience? How much more will they take me for granted? Is building the relationship just my onus? Why is it expected only from me to be accommodating, understanding and sensitive?
Why do I trust them repeatedly only to feel cheated over and over again?
I have decided to cut her salary to compensate for this extra leave, and cut even more for not informing me of the leave.
But the lesson learnt is that a relationship involves more than 1 person. And if has to exist, all parties involved will have to be motivated to make it work. It is time for them to make deposits with me, stop withdrawals of all kinds. This is if they want to keep our association going.
And the hard fact that it is possible for people to not care about things that are working well for them. For example, Ruby says I am the best employer she's had so far. If I am to sack her, will she lose out on anything? I am not sure she cares enough for what she receives from me.
There are people who do not deserve your niceness, simply because they don't understand they are being treated nicely.
Showing posts with label Insights. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Insights. Show all posts
26 January 2013
And Jill Will Never Come Tumbling After (Today)
Meet Jill. My neighbour, a mother of 2 small girls. Husband doesn't live with them because he is away in the North-East trying to start a tea business. Jill has a brother called Jack, and they were named so by the daughter of the American who founded the orphanage that Jill and Jack lived in. This American called 'Papa' showered these orphans with such things that even normal children with parents wouldn't dream of. There were imported toys, there was muesli and lots of fresh breads and honey and marmalades for breakfast. There was a swimming pool, I am told, in the orphanage. And other things that made that place a palace.
Jill and Jack grew up and had to move on in life. Jill worked at a call centre where she met her to-be husband from Assam and eventually married him. The guy's family has still not accepted Jill (it must now be 5 years that they are married). Jill and Jack are not really in touch, from what I am told. They both live in Delhi of course, but aren't emotionally close.
Ever since we moved into this new flat (I am blessed to be living here), Jill has been the kind of neighbour you would NOT want. Instead of being a helpful one, she actually started asking favours. Just the second day early morning, she put her baby in the arms of my sleepy husband, and asked us to take care of her while she went to run a quick errand to the nearby Jail!! We had cartons all over the place, we were exhausted from moving apartments, and we were finally enjoying a good sleep when she did this utterly bizarre thing. She not only woke us up, she made sure we were wide awake, the baby figured out her mom was away and she was with complete strangers and cried her lungs out for nearly an hour. We did all we could, but we couldn't help being new, we didn't have her pacifier, we didn't have her favourite toy, Damn it, we didn't have her mummy!!! Mummy Jill hadn't bothered to leave a mobile number we could call.
Thereafter, every single day (or so it feels) Jill has been coming to ask favours. Dabbu, the baby was left with us one more time, many many litres of purified water were taken from us numerous times because of a water purifier she was too lazy to get fixed. And phone chargers have been borrowed on various occasions as well.
Then she goes to meet her husband (without informing him that she's coming). She asks me not to tell her maid that she is gone (so that she wouldn't demand her salary from Jill), she didn't even inform the older daughter's school bus driver for the same reason. Turned out, she hadn't informed her landlord (who asked us regularly if she had returned... she had left the house windows open, and she hadn't been paying the rent) either, nor the cable operator. This woman left with her daughters with no fixed date of returning.
She wouldn't answer calls, she would use unknown numbers to get in touch. The landlord was threatening to call the Police to break into the house. And everyone was disgruntled. She never actually came on the dates she said she would. What was supposed to be a trip of maximum 2 weeks got extended to nearly 4 months.
The older daughter has been expelled from school for missing so many days of tuition. Jill is back and back to her natural ways. Lazy, irresponsible and careless. She came today morning to get her phone charged again, and I said yes with some hesitation.
Then as I plugged her phone in, I decided that I have had enough with her. In the name of help, she is taking advantage. As my husband puts it, "We might want to help people. But not when someone on the street taps on your shoulder and asks if you could please tie his shoelaces since he was too lazy to do it." We have tried helping Jill address the real problem. We tried helping her find technicians to fix her water purifier. She didn't use the help. We reminded her many times to buy a new original charger. She didn't. This is one person who does NOT want to help herself. She wants to sit there watching TV all day and screaming at her daughter.
I think Jill spends energy thinking how others can help her. How she needn't move an inch while others go out of their way to fix things for her. I think it comes from her childhood days when all was taken care of for her, and she was fully spoilt. She wasn't taught to take responsibility, and so she isn't. She is in fact demanding that she be 'adopted'.
Such a neighbour is frustrating. The 3+ months that she was not here were blissful for me. She returned yesterday, and today she has begun her begging. So I decided to tell her how I felt about things, and how I want to discourage her from knocking on our door so regularly.
I talked to her, she tried to listen. She put it down to the kind of people my husband and I were. I had guessed that she wouldn't understand. In fact I won't be surprised if she becomes hostile and passive-aggressive and starts doing little things to avenge herself. I will pray that she believe me when I say that in times of emergencies and crises we are ready to help. But we don't appreciate dependence, clinging and parasite-like behaviour.
She apologised, attributed the trouble we faced to the kind of people we were and said she won't come to us again. I am interested in the third phrase. Hopefully, she won't come to us again.
P.S: As expected, I was talking to her alone, Meghu chose not to support me. He maintains that he would have been assertive the 6th time Jill came asking for help. I am not sure of that. What I know is that he will enjoy the benefits of my actions without making any effort.
Jill and Jack grew up and had to move on in life. Jill worked at a call centre where she met her to-be husband from Assam and eventually married him. The guy's family has still not accepted Jill (it must now be 5 years that they are married). Jill and Jack are not really in touch, from what I am told. They both live in Delhi of course, but aren't emotionally close.
Ever since we moved into this new flat (I am blessed to be living here), Jill has been the kind of neighbour you would NOT want. Instead of being a helpful one, she actually started asking favours. Just the second day early morning, she put her baby in the arms of my sleepy husband, and asked us to take care of her while she went to run a quick errand to the nearby Jail!! We had cartons all over the place, we were exhausted from moving apartments, and we were finally enjoying a good sleep when she did this utterly bizarre thing. She not only woke us up, she made sure we were wide awake, the baby figured out her mom was away and she was with complete strangers and cried her lungs out for nearly an hour. We did all we could, but we couldn't help being new, we didn't have her pacifier, we didn't have her favourite toy, Damn it, we didn't have her mummy!!! Mummy Jill hadn't bothered to leave a mobile number we could call.
Thereafter, every single day (or so it feels) Jill has been coming to ask favours. Dabbu, the baby was left with us one more time, many many litres of purified water were taken from us numerous times because of a water purifier she was too lazy to get fixed. And phone chargers have been borrowed on various occasions as well.
Then she goes to meet her husband (without informing him that she's coming). She asks me not to tell her maid that she is gone (so that she wouldn't demand her salary from Jill), she didn't even inform the older daughter's school bus driver for the same reason. Turned out, she hadn't informed her landlord (who asked us regularly if she had returned... she had left the house windows open, and she hadn't been paying the rent) either, nor the cable operator. This woman left with her daughters with no fixed date of returning.
She wouldn't answer calls, she would use unknown numbers to get in touch. The landlord was threatening to call the Police to break into the house. And everyone was disgruntled. She never actually came on the dates she said she would. What was supposed to be a trip of maximum 2 weeks got extended to nearly 4 months.
The older daughter has been expelled from school for missing so many days of tuition. Jill is back and back to her natural ways. Lazy, irresponsible and careless. She came today morning to get her phone charged again, and I said yes with some hesitation.
Then as I plugged her phone in, I decided that I have had enough with her. In the name of help, she is taking advantage. As my husband puts it, "We might want to help people. But not when someone on the street taps on your shoulder and asks if you could please tie his shoelaces since he was too lazy to do it." We have tried helping Jill address the real problem. We tried helping her find technicians to fix her water purifier. She didn't use the help. We reminded her many times to buy a new original charger. She didn't. This is one person who does NOT want to help herself. She wants to sit there watching TV all day and screaming at her daughter.
I think Jill spends energy thinking how others can help her. How she needn't move an inch while others go out of their way to fix things for her. I think it comes from her childhood days when all was taken care of for her, and she was fully spoilt. She wasn't taught to take responsibility, and so she isn't. She is in fact demanding that she be 'adopted'.
Such a neighbour is frustrating. The 3+ months that she was not here were blissful for me. She returned yesterday, and today she has begun her begging. So I decided to tell her how I felt about things, and how I want to discourage her from knocking on our door so regularly.
I talked to her, she tried to listen. She put it down to the kind of people my husband and I were. I had guessed that she wouldn't understand. In fact I won't be surprised if she becomes hostile and passive-aggressive and starts doing little things to avenge herself. I will pray that she believe me when I say that in times of emergencies and crises we are ready to help. But we don't appreciate dependence, clinging and parasite-like behaviour.
She apologised, attributed the trouble we faced to the kind of people we were and said she won't come to us again. I am interested in the third phrase. Hopefully, she won't come to us again.
P.S: As expected, I was talking to her alone, Meghu chose not to support me. He maintains that he would have been assertive the 6th time Jill came asking for help. I am not sure of that. What I know is that he will enjoy the benefits of my actions without making any effort.
20 January 2013
Some Updates
1. One of my micro-goals this year is to donate blood. Meghu and I were going to do it together so that I would have his moral support. But the other day, I saw an opportunity right where I was, and philosophised that maybe I am Meant to donate blood without Meghu by my side so that I can face my fear completely.
But it so happened that the doctor in the van looked at my palm and my eyes and pronounced that my haemoglobin level wasn't enough for donating blood. I gaped at him, how could he be so sure without doing an actual test?! I tried to reason with him that I have been fine lately, although earlier I had been put on iron supplements etc.
He politely refused. I got down disappointed, and met another staff outside the van, who insisted I do a test. There were two pathologists at the rear end of the van who would help me. They did the test, and said the same thing. My HB level was not enough.
I could not donate blood, and the doctor was a genius.
2. The last sweater was donated by Meghu to an old beggar lady the same day as my blood donation disappointment.
3. I did make my feelings known to Ruby after all. She came cheekily, trying to make small talk, but I was in no mood. I found an opportunity to talk when Meghu was out for a few minutes. We didn't teach her that day, on my decision. She did apologise but I let my angry demeanour be, for her to remember long enough to avoid such breaches of trust.
It worked. Next few days I was away when she came to work. Meghu taught her, but she kept enquiring if I my anger had extinguished. She went beyond her usual tasks and pro-actively did more jobs around the house to assuage me, perhaps. Even today came with an opportunity for her to demonstrate loyalty. What her mother told me today about her has helped me rekindle my trust in Ruby, her mother and her sister.
I hope this bond remains. And also the understanding that we will not take each other for granted.
4. Meghu and I had a massive fight lately, the consequences of which have been shameful. We have quickly taken corrective action, but the shame has not left me. Anger really IS just a little short of danger. It possesses you in no time, if you don't control the first feelers of it. It makes you inhuman. It makes you an animal.
I vow to never repeat what I did that day.
5. The TED talk that Nipun Mehta gave is not leaving my head. Something profound has been communicated simply and effortlessly. It has made me cry. And I am still figuring out what part has he touched to make me cry.
6. I love OLX and I love TED Talks as well.
7. I have urged Ruby's mother to send her sister Neeraj to study as well. I was told that Neeraj is shy, but she knows us well, so she can drop the inhibition. Plus she has been writing in Ruby's notebook, thereby expressing a desire to learn. And finally, if two sisters of similar ages study together, there might come a healthy competitiveness between them which will egg each of them to study harder, even if only to outdo the other one :)
8. In the wake of the Delhi rape case, our housing society here had organised a self-defence training for kids and women. I participated for just 1 day and am happy with my decision. I do feel empowered and confident. Thanks to the organisers.
But it so happened that the doctor in the van looked at my palm and my eyes and pronounced that my haemoglobin level wasn't enough for donating blood. I gaped at him, how could he be so sure without doing an actual test?! I tried to reason with him that I have been fine lately, although earlier I had been put on iron supplements etc.
He politely refused. I got down disappointed, and met another staff outside the van, who insisted I do a test. There were two pathologists at the rear end of the van who would help me. They did the test, and said the same thing. My HB level was not enough.
I could not donate blood, and the doctor was a genius.
2. The last sweater was donated by Meghu to an old beggar lady the same day as my blood donation disappointment.
3. I did make my feelings known to Ruby after all. She came cheekily, trying to make small talk, but I was in no mood. I found an opportunity to talk when Meghu was out for a few minutes. We didn't teach her that day, on my decision. She did apologise but I let my angry demeanour be, for her to remember long enough to avoid such breaches of trust.
It worked. Next few days I was away when she came to work. Meghu taught her, but she kept enquiring if I my anger had extinguished. She went beyond her usual tasks and pro-actively did more jobs around the house to assuage me, perhaps. Even today came with an opportunity for her to demonstrate loyalty. What her mother told me today about her has helped me rekindle my trust in Ruby, her mother and her sister.
I hope this bond remains. And also the understanding that we will not take each other for granted.
4. Meghu and I had a massive fight lately, the consequences of which have been shameful. We have quickly taken corrective action, but the shame has not left me. Anger really IS just a little short of danger. It possesses you in no time, if you don't control the first feelers of it. It makes you inhuman. It makes you an animal.
I vow to never repeat what I did that day.
5. The TED talk that Nipun Mehta gave is not leaving my head. Something profound has been communicated simply and effortlessly. It has made me cry. And I am still figuring out what part has he touched to make me cry.
6. I love OLX and I love TED Talks as well.
7. I have urged Ruby's mother to send her sister Neeraj to study as well. I was told that Neeraj is shy, but she knows us well, so she can drop the inhibition. Plus she has been writing in Ruby's notebook, thereby expressing a desire to learn. And finally, if two sisters of similar ages study together, there might come a healthy competitiveness between them which will egg each of them to study harder, even if only to outdo the other one :)
8. In the wake of the Delhi rape case, our housing society here had organised a self-defence training for kids and women. I participated for just 1 day and am happy with my decision. I do feel empowered and confident. Thanks to the organisers.
Should one discriminate?
I had been talking to an older cousin, and I happened to ask a question which I didn't intend to be threatening. In other words, if I were asked this question by her, I wouldn't think much before answering it, since there's so much trust established between us.
But she chose not to reply. Maybe it was a sensitive issue to her, maybe she didn't trust me enough. I didn't press her, I instead tackled the point why I asked her what I did. She replied to that. We carried on with the conversation normally, but within me, I was instantly hurt.
I was hurt because she chose to withhold information from me. What was she thinking? That I would know more about her than she wants me to? That I might misuse the information? That I might become a competitor to her?
I don't see her as that. She has called me umpteen number of times for help, and I have always made time for her, for I like her, trust her, admire her. And from how she has been to me, I also saw love and I was touched. It was her affectionate ways towards me that made me trust her more recently. And I have never felt the need to not tell her anything. In fact, she was one of the first few ones in the family whom I told about Meghu. If I could trust her with that sensitive a piece of information, she could have shown trust in me too.
I am hurt that she is so secretive. That she may harbour thoughts that I, of all the people, would misuse her. I wish her prosperity and happiness. And I am not one of those who noses into other people's business to just be able to gossip later or make schemes.
I am hurt because I believed what she thinks of me. I can choose to not believe! and I very well can, because I KNOW how purely I feel for her. I will never ever threaten her, make her feel insecure. She is my sister.
So the point is, she denied me a tiny space under her umbrella, while she's enjoyed herself under mine. Just because she is weak within and so failed to trust me, does not mean that I must deny her mine. Maybe she needs even more love from me, even more demonstration of how I can share with her, how secure I feel within myself to be able to do that. Maybe that will eventually make her put the guards down.
In the meantime, I can hold my umbrella for her, contrary to how I reacted "I won't help her any more" immediately as I was talking to her. I forgive her. I won't ask questions that she may perceive as probing. In fact, I needn't go beyond pleasantries. I can share about myself though.
Because a banyan tree gives the same shade and rest to a robber as to an honest businessman. It does not discriminate. Because it is magnanimous, and because it is beyond insecurity. A robber's immorality is too petty to corrupt the banyan tree's shade.
I forgive you, Sister. I pray that the pain in your heart which makes you insecure and defensive, leave you. I hope my spirit and my love are helpful.
But she chose not to reply. Maybe it was a sensitive issue to her, maybe she didn't trust me enough. I didn't press her, I instead tackled the point why I asked her what I did. She replied to that. We carried on with the conversation normally, but within me, I was instantly hurt.
I was hurt because she chose to withhold information from me. What was she thinking? That I would know more about her than she wants me to? That I might misuse the information? That I might become a competitor to her?
I don't see her as that. She has called me umpteen number of times for help, and I have always made time for her, for I like her, trust her, admire her. And from how she has been to me, I also saw love and I was touched. It was her affectionate ways towards me that made me trust her more recently. And I have never felt the need to not tell her anything. In fact, she was one of the first few ones in the family whom I told about Meghu. If I could trust her with that sensitive a piece of information, she could have shown trust in me too.
I am hurt that she is so secretive. That she may harbour thoughts that I, of all the people, would misuse her. I wish her prosperity and happiness. And I am not one of those who noses into other people's business to just be able to gossip later or make schemes.
I am hurt because I believed what she thinks of me. I can choose to not believe! and I very well can, because I KNOW how purely I feel for her. I will never ever threaten her, make her feel insecure. She is my sister.
So the point is, she denied me a tiny space under her umbrella, while she's enjoyed herself under mine. Just because she is weak within and so failed to trust me, does not mean that I must deny her mine. Maybe she needs even more love from me, even more demonstration of how I can share with her, how secure I feel within myself to be able to do that. Maybe that will eventually make her put the guards down.
In the meantime, I can hold my umbrella for her, contrary to how I reacted "I won't help her any more" immediately as I was talking to her. I forgive her. I won't ask questions that she may perceive as probing. In fact, I needn't go beyond pleasantries. I can share about myself though.
Because a banyan tree gives the same shade and rest to a robber as to an honest businessman. It does not discriminate. Because it is magnanimous, and because it is beyond insecurity. A robber's immorality is too petty to corrupt the banyan tree's shade.
I forgive you, Sister. I pray that the pain in your heart which makes you insecure and defensive, leave you. I hope my spirit and my love are helpful.
08 January 2013
Umbrella Abuse
My relationship with Ruby might just go down swing. I have been feeling being taken for granted. Just 2 days ago, we had a chat about what's up with her, and that we want to have open communication instead of the frustration, if any, building up within us all.
That chat revealed that she was finding the cold to be a big hindrance (quite understandable, this is her first Delhi winter experience) which ruined her mood and didn't motivate her to come to work, resulting in sloppy performance mostly. She seemed to be feeling better after that and I thought I would see a better Ruby (as she promised) on Monday.
She hasn't come today. She hasn't bothered to inform. I am very angry. I don't deserve to have a sink overflowing with dishes that need to be washed and an unclean house after really putting in all that effort to build a relationship with her. Most employers don't care to have a bond with their domestic helps.
I have repeatedly seen that my niceness has been taken for granted by this section of people I interact with. I don't know what goes wrong. Do they need a little rudeness? Do they misinterpret my deliberate niceness to be dumbness? Do they don't deserve friendship and oneness? Does there HAVE to be a social divide?
It is not me creating the divide, it seems to be them FORCING their employers to create it. Because of a sick mentality that they don't have enough, that the richer lot doesn't deserve a comfortable life, that they ought to then take shamelessly all that they can find and snatch.
I am angry, because I am hurt and abused. Ruby's probably going to have it from me tomorrow.
I am not sure if all the righteousness should be expected only from me. For this one thing, I don't have Meghu's support. He will not stand by me and speak with me tomorrow when I bring it up with Ruby. This hurts me further. Because she sees Meghu and me to be one unit. If Meghu doesn't express disappointment, she is obviously going to get into favouritism. Automatically dividing my husband and me.
I have had this struggle with Meghu since ever. This is one place where his reason takes a back seat to emotions and concept of 'trust'. Many painful memories of my previous landlady, previous maids and a few others get activated.
I wish Meghu trusted me and my moral sense more.
That chat revealed that she was finding the cold to be a big hindrance (quite understandable, this is her first Delhi winter experience) which ruined her mood and didn't motivate her to come to work, resulting in sloppy performance mostly. She seemed to be feeling better after that and I thought I would see a better Ruby (as she promised) on Monday.
She hasn't come today. She hasn't bothered to inform. I am very angry. I don't deserve to have a sink overflowing with dishes that need to be washed and an unclean house after really putting in all that effort to build a relationship with her. Most employers don't care to have a bond with their domestic helps.
I have repeatedly seen that my niceness has been taken for granted by this section of people I interact with. I don't know what goes wrong. Do they need a little rudeness? Do they misinterpret my deliberate niceness to be dumbness? Do they don't deserve friendship and oneness? Does there HAVE to be a social divide?
It is not me creating the divide, it seems to be them FORCING their employers to create it. Because of a sick mentality that they don't have enough, that the richer lot doesn't deserve a comfortable life, that they ought to then take shamelessly all that they can find and snatch.
I am angry, because I am hurt and abused. Ruby's probably going to have it from me tomorrow.
I am not sure if all the righteousness should be expected only from me. For this one thing, I don't have Meghu's support. He will not stand by me and speak with me tomorrow when I bring it up with Ruby. This hurts me further. Because she sees Meghu and me to be one unit. If Meghu doesn't express disappointment, she is obviously going to get into favouritism. Automatically dividing my husband and me.
I have had this struggle with Meghu since ever. This is one place where his reason takes a back seat to emotions and concept of 'trust'. Many painful memories of my previous landlady, previous maids and a few others get activated.
I wish Meghu trusted me and my moral sense more.
02 January 2013
Silence in the Heart
Meghu shared Nipun Mehta's thought with me : True giving will make you feel silent in your heart.
That is peace for me.
Meghu is a constant guide about giving and other consciousness-raising choices. I am thankful to have him in my life.
That is peace for me.
Meghu is a constant guide about giving and other consciousness-raising choices. I am thankful to have him in my life.
Renew Your Connection NOW before it Expires!
I have been recently observing something unpleasant in Ruby's behaviour. Not only her proactivity has reduced, her sincerity at what she is supposed to be doing has gone down too. She seems to dislike something about her job.
I can't put my finger on what's going wrong. We have been making deposits as usual. I discussed many hypotheses with Meghu (because he is interacting much more with her than me), including normal mood swings and PMS. At the same time, we have seen her still being loyal and affectionate to us in small ways. It is confusing.
But I want to address this unconscious unspoken change before it becomes too late. Nothing drastic has happened, only a few rude remarks and taunts. But what is behind this rising bitterness?
Meghu has thrown a hint (why won't he tell me straight? He is too polite to talk directly, even with me). He feels that I spend less time with her. Very well then, I am home for a couple days now due to winter break. I have a good opportunity to observe her, see if there's a pattern, talk to her and find out if there's really something or am I reacting to a false alarm.
In any case, the realisation is that relationships need constant work. You dare not take them for granted or leave them on autopilot. Constant deposits and fixing and plugging are required.
I can't put my finger on what's going wrong. We have been making deposits as usual. I discussed many hypotheses with Meghu (because he is interacting much more with her than me), including normal mood swings and PMS. At the same time, we have seen her still being loyal and affectionate to us in small ways. It is confusing.
But I want to address this unconscious unspoken change before it becomes too late. Nothing drastic has happened, only a few rude remarks and taunts. But what is behind this rising bitterness?
Meghu has thrown a hint (why won't he tell me straight? He is too polite to talk directly, even with me). He feels that I spend less time with her. Very well then, I am home for a couple days now due to winter break. I have a good opportunity to observe her, see if there's a pattern, talk to her and find out if there's really something or am I reacting to a false alarm.
In any case, the realisation is that relationships need constant work. You dare not take them for granted or leave them on autopilot. Constant deposits and fixing and plugging are required.
Receiving Gracefully
Meghu and I were midway through our lunch when the doorbell rung. I found a well-dressed woman who wanted some donation for the J&K victims of a bomb blast. I requested her to come a little later since we were having lunch then. The woman insisted thrice. I wasn't liking it, but since I am assertive, I didn't budge. I told her to come LAY-TER. She wasn't understanding, said she would visit houses upstairs and come again (which would take her around 5 minutes, I calculated). I was feeling pressurised.
I had decided in my heart that her behaviour wasn't evoking any sympathy from me. She wasn't requesting for help, she was demanding. But I kept my thoughts to myself, returned to my meal and told Meghu who it was.
To my surprise, Meghu had already given some donation a week ago to these very people. He knows that I don't like to help in cash, but kind. So he reassured me that he gave 50 bucks after a long 15 minute interview with a young man who was soliciting funds. This young man wasn't grateful, he immediately told Meghu that others had given 500 bucks, and that rubbed Meghu the wrong way. Meghu was happy giving him 50, but if the guy wasn't he could very well return those 50.
Now, this woman did come in 5 minutes, and Meghu answered the bell this time. He explained that a donation was already made, so she could try elsewhere. She insisted, she started telling us about their plight, some orphaned children etc. As soon as she mentioned kids, we realised we could give her some sweaters. She didn't feel happy about that. We were already feeling pushed, and now she added disappointment to it. She went on with her pressurising. She made some rude remarks, which made Meghu take back even the Sweater-offer. To which she started telling us how we were not good people, how we had everything and were still not willing to help. I think she mentioned 'God' also somewhere.
I felt Meghu didn't need to be hearing all that, so we had to close the door in her face. We resumed our lunch conversation normally, but I have been disturbed ever since.
Meghu and I have discussed Giving at length. We have realised that:
1. Only JOYFUL GIVING is true giving. If you didn't feel good, overjoyed, peaceful or silent after your act of kindness, that kindness has gone down the drain.
2. Joyful Giving comes 2 situations : if you gave without being asked to AND if your answer to a solicitation of help was received gracefully.
3. Giving does not end in itself. The way it is received makes a lot of difference in how YOU feel after giving, whether you will give again, and the size of your generosity in general.
4. People who receive ARE in some way being rescued from a difficult situation. They must have humility, politeness and gratitude in their manner. If they are cheeky, rude, demanding and pushy, they are confirming their belief that they are entitled to other people's help. That others better yield or else......! Such individuals won't go very far in their cause.
On second thoughts, everyone should be humble, polite and grateful. Even people who are in the giving position.
5. Giving purely is not enough. Giving intelligently is what is required. Use your discretion amply. Don't criticise yourself for denying help to someone who was asking but not deserving. That is the reason why helping a friend copy in examinations is not good. Such giving is NOT GOOD.
6. Give to empower. Avoid giving that encourages dependency. That help is not real help. Just as they say :
Give a hungry man a fish, feed him for a day; teach him how to fish, feed him for a lifetime.
If that means you will take a whole year to gather enough resources for empowering someone, and therefore won't have resources for helping others in small ways; so be it. Better to empower one than to make ten dependent.
Meghu and I are still discussing intermittently. Looks like there's tons to learn about having a generous heart.
I had decided in my heart that her behaviour wasn't evoking any sympathy from me. She wasn't requesting for help, she was demanding. But I kept my thoughts to myself, returned to my meal and told Meghu who it was.
To my surprise, Meghu had already given some donation a week ago to these very people. He knows that I don't like to help in cash, but kind. So he reassured me that he gave 50 bucks after a long 15 minute interview with a young man who was soliciting funds. This young man wasn't grateful, he immediately told Meghu that others had given 500 bucks, and that rubbed Meghu the wrong way. Meghu was happy giving him 50, but if the guy wasn't he could very well return those 50.
Now, this woman did come in 5 minutes, and Meghu answered the bell this time. He explained that a donation was already made, so she could try elsewhere. She insisted, she started telling us about their plight, some orphaned children etc. As soon as she mentioned kids, we realised we could give her some sweaters. She didn't feel happy about that. We were already feeling pushed, and now she added disappointment to it. She went on with her pressurising. She made some rude remarks, which made Meghu take back even the Sweater-offer. To which she started telling us how we were not good people, how we had everything and were still not willing to help. I think she mentioned 'God' also somewhere.
I felt Meghu didn't need to be hearing all that, so we had to close the door in her face. We resumed our lunch conversation normally, but I have been disturbed ever since.
Meghu and I have discussed Giving at length. We have realised that:
1. Only JOYFUL GIVING is true giving. If you didn't feel good, overjoyed, peaceful or silent after your act of kindness, that kindness has gone down the drain.
2. Joyful Giving comes 2 situations : if you gave without being asked to AND if your answer to a solicitation of help was received gracefully.
3. Giving does not end in itself. The way it is received makes a lot of difference in how YOU feel after giving, whether you will give again, and the size of your generosity in general.
4. People who receive ARE in some way being rescued from a difficult situation. They must have humility, politeness and gratitude in their manner. If they are cheeky, rude, demanding and pushy, they are confirming their belief that they are entitled to other people's help. That others better yield or else......! Such individuals won't go very far in their cause.
On second thoughts, everyone should be humble, polite and grateful. Even people who are in the giving position.
5. Giving purely is not enough. Giving intelligently is what is required. Use your discretion amply. Don't criticise yourself for denying help to someone who was asking but not deserving. That is the reason why helping a friend copy in examinations is not good. Such giving is NOT GOOD.
6. Give to empower. Avoid giving that encourages dependency. That help is not real help. Just as they say :
Give a hungry man a fish, feed him for a day; teach him how to fish, feed him for a lifetime.
If that means you will take a whole year to gather enough resources for empowering someone, and therefore won't have resources for helping others in small ways; so be it. Better to empower one than to make ten dependent.
Meghu and I are still discussing intermittently. Looks like there's tons to learn about having a generous heart.
31 December 2012
Small Acts of Kindness
I wanted to get a watch repaired today. It was a minor repair, the technician did it for free. I am very happy about this, he actually enhanced my day.
Now, we may say that we must all engage in such small acts of kindness - we call them small because maybe they cost us less effort. But I am thinking that no act can really be 'small' because the decision to engage in any kindness is always a BIG thing, especially when we are all living with a belief of scarcity of everything we have.
For example, insisting that the vendor accept more than he has charged us, because he has wrongly calculated the prices. Maybe he undercharged me by a very small amount (as in today's case), or undercharged a big sum (as in yesterday's waterbottles' case). I stood to gain in both scenarios. But it took me courage to decide against my autotendency to let the calculating mistakes be so that I benefited from it. It is THAT decision that was big.
Another thing- the guy who presses our clothes, today, would have made a loss of just 2 bucks had I not insisted on the right bill. The fact that a customer chose to be honest for his interest, must have touched him a great deal.
So an act of kindness is big, if the courage or values behind it are big, and if the result is big. And in most cases, this is so.
If you engage in any kindness, pat yourself. It is a big deal. And if someone's been kind to you, don't take that lightly either.
Now, we may say that we must all engage in such small acts of kindness - we call them small because maybe they cost us less effort. But I am thinking that no act can really be 'small' because the decision to engage in any kindness is always a BIG thing, especially when we are all living with a belief of scarcity of everything we have.
For example, insisting that the vendor accept more than he has charged us, because he has wrongly calculated the prices. Maybe he undercharged me by a very small amount (as in today's case), or undercharged a big sum (as in yesterday's waterbottles' case). I stood to gain in both scenarios. But it took me courage to decide against my autotendency to let the calculating mistakes be so that I benefited from it. It is THAT decision that was big.
Another thing- the guy who presses our clothes, today, would have made a loss of just 2 bucks had I not insisted on the right bill. The fact that a customer chose to be honest for his interest, must have touched him a great deal.
So an act of kindness is big, if the courage or values behind it are big, and if the result is big. And in most cases, this is so.
If you engage in any kindness, pat yourself. It is a big deal. And if someone's been kind to you, don't take that lightly either.
30 December 2012
What a day!
Meghu and I celebrated the new year's eve a day earlier. It was an excellent day financially. There's much to feel happy for:
1. The wonderful fruits I bought today morn.
2. My period that is not only on time, but also a good one.
3. Meghu agreed to come with me to the malls.
4. Meghu bought the veggies and the groceries all at once.
5. Could do 2 sets of laundry in the morning.
6. Was looking good :) today
7. The curd isn't exactly ruined. Wise decision to wait and watch.
8. Meghu had 2 oranges and gave himself some roughage (good boy)
9. Could find a GOOD autorickshaw to go to the Malls. Spent much lesser.
10. Our waterbottles came at a staggering discount! I was so delighted, I danced in public :D
11. Bought very cute ear-muffs which my kids at the school and elder sister will love. They are two bunnies jutting out at either end of the muffs. For a cool discount too, this one.
12. A very old movie we bought to celebrate the day and the year-end. Hope it is worth watching.
13. The most unbelievable waist coat I bought at 70% discount, which made item no.14 possible!
14. Another waistcoat of a completely different style that came at 60% discount.
15. The coolest fact that my latest Translation assignment could pay for the muffs and the 2 waistcoats entirely.
The day also included distributing 4 sweaters. We were at a traffic light, saw some beggars and urchins as usual. Gave a sweater to one, and immediately repented. A whole group gathered around us, annoying the driver no end, and exasperating us too. Even when we were done giving the other 3 away, some beggars hung about, arguing, requesting, snatching the empty paper bag and eventually tearing it. One boy even came back almost angrily complaining that we gave him an empty paper bag!
Meghu is most unhappy. He has decided that we will henceforth carry only one sweater (3 more remain) every outing so that our giving and their receiving is more graceful, marked by a conversation, even if it just a 'thanks' from the other person, or a 'bless you' from us.
I agree with him completely.
1. The wonderful fruits I bought today morn.
2. My period that is not only on time, but also a good one.
3. Meghu agreed to come with me to the malls.
4. Meghu bought the veggies and the groceries all at once.
5. Could do 2 sets of laundry in the morning.
6. Was looking good :) today
7. The curd isn't exactly ruined. Wise decision to wait and watch.
8. Meghu had 2 oranges and gave himself some roughage (good boy)
9. Could find a GOOD autorickshaw to go to the Malls. Spent much lesser.
10. Our waterbottles came at a staggering discount! I was so delighted, I danced in public :D
11. Bought very cute ear-muffs which my kids at the school and elder sister will love. They are two bunnies jutting out at either end of the muffs. For a cool discount too, this one.
12. A very old movie we bought to celebrate the day and the year-end. Hope it is worth watching.
13. The most unbelievable waist coat I bought at 70% discount, which made item no.14 possible!
14. Another waistcoat of a completely different style that came at 60% discount.
15. The coolest fact that my latest Translation assignment could pay for the muffs and the 2 waistcoats entirely.
The day also included distributing 4 sweaters. We were at a traffic light, saw some beggars and urchins as usual. Gave a sweater to one, and immediately repented. A whole group gathered around us, annoying the driver no end, and exasperating us too. Even when we were done giving the other 3 away, some beggars hung about, arguing, requesting, snatching the empty paper bag and eventually tearing it. One boy even came back almost angrily complaining that we gave him an empty paper bag!
Meghu is most unhappy. He has decided that we will henceforth carry only one sweater (3 more remain) every outing so that our giving and their receiving is more graceful, marked by a conversation, even if it just a 'thanks' from the other person, or a 'bless you' from us.
I agree with him completely.
28 December 2012
Unwanted Umbrella
When someone rejects your umbrella, it could be because he doesn't need help. Or because he doesn't need YOUR help.
In either case, go for your self-respect. Tell yourself you hold a very magical umbrella. You embody love when you hold it.
Bless the one who rejected your love. May he find love wherever else he is looking - if he is seeking at all. If not, good luck to him anyway.
The fact that you offered is a big deal.
The rejection is not about your being bad or insufficient. It is about someone not being receptive. And that is OKAY.
In either case, go for your self-respect. Tell yourself you hold a very magical umbrella. You embody love when you hold it.
Bless the one who rejected your love. May he find love wherever else he is looking - if he is seeking at all. If not, good luck to him anyway.
The fact that you offered is a big deal.
The rejection is not about your being bad or insufficient. It is about someone not being receptive. And that is OKAY.
06 December 2012
The Fate of Gifts Made to Me
I know many people who are sentimental about gifts they receive and give. I personally am a bit practical about gifts.
I check them for their usefulness and relevance to me. If they are something I have really wanted, I keep them, use them almost immediately. Those that aren't my taste, size or of general requirement, I am most likely to pass them on to others, for 2 reasons:
I prefer the latter the most.
I check them for their usefulness and relevance to me. If they are something I have really wanted, I keep them, use them almost immediately. Those that aren't my taste, size or of general requirement, I am most likely to pass them on to others, for 2 reasons:
1. I do not like hoarding. I see that as an arrest of energy. I want to keep very few things I think I will use in the future. The rest I just want to dispose off.
2. These objects might actually be of service to others!
2. These objects might actually be of service to others!
Now, the feelings behind these gifts are very nice, I allow them to touch me, I accept those with gratitude. But the objects themselves can meet different fates. I want people to know that this is what will happen if they made gifts to me. There will be a good chance that the gift will be transferred to someone else in case I decide I won't use it. If they are okay with it, they may continue buying stuff without consulting me. But for those whose sentiments will be hurt, I suggest you give me cash or gift vouchers or better still, just ask me for my wishlist and see if you could contribute there.
I prefer the latter the most.
Fantastic Plastic
I am not against the use of plastic bags. I think they are just cool. At least thick and durable ones, with a high rate of microns.
Paper bags tear easily, and the trees that went into making them eventually get wasted. Cloth bags need to be washed regularly which entails usage of more water and soap. I think it is better for the environment if we used plastic effectively, that way we might just save the planet more trees and water.
Use plastic bags over and over again. Wipe them clean if required. But ensure optimal use of its durability. Use torn paper bags to create compost for organic gardening. Or see if they can be used as tissue anywhere.
Find ways to use things to their last shred before you head for the trashcan. Resources are not scarce, they are limited. We can not and must not WASTE.
___
TIP: Use old discoloured hair clips as snack-bag clips to keep your snacks fresh and crisp.
Paper bags tear easily, and the trees that went into making them eventually get wasted. Cloth bags need to be washed regularly which entails usage of more water and soap. I think it is better for the environment if we used plastic effectively, that way we might just save the planet more trees and water.
Use plastic bags over and over again. Wipe them clean if required. But ensure optimal use of its durability. Use torn paper bags to create compost for organic gardening. Or see if they can be used as tissue anywhere.
Find ways to use things to their last shred before you head for the trashcan. Resources are not scarce, they are limited. We can not and must not WASTE.
___
TIP: Use old discoloured hair clips as snack-bag clips to keep your snacks fresh and crisp.
22 November 2012
Holding Umbrellas over Each Other
I am very excited about my trip to Mumbai, my hometown. I finally have confirmed tickets, thanks to the Tatkal quota of the very amazing Indian Railways. But getting Tatkal tickets is not an easy job.
Booking online failed, so we had to go to the nearest railway station the next day. Tatkal booking opens at sharp 10 am all over India, but the tickets are all exhausted in the first 10 minutes. It is all way too risky. People start forming a queue at the railway station gate from 4 am onwards! When we heard that, we were in disbelief - 6 hours of standing in a queue?! But we wanted our tickets anyhow and decided to take the advice seriously.
We are not regretting. When Meghu and I reached the Delhi Cantonment Railway Station at 4:10 am, we learnt that there were 2 queues, one for ladies and one for men. I thanked myself for deciding to accompany Meghu, because I turned out to be second in the ladies' queue! At what time did the first lady arrive? 3 am.
And the men? Meghu had 7 guys ahead of him. 5 of them had reached the station at 8 pm the previous night, and spread a sheet and slept out on the ground only.
Getting Tatkal tickets is seriously a grand struggle. The probability of getting a ticket, the wait time, the unnatural hours at which you must queue up....... and the weather.
Delhi winters are killing. I was wearing a monkey cap, gloves, woollen stole, sweater, jacket and socks. And was still shivering. My body is still hurting from having to pass those 6 hours in such cold! Plus, no place to sit.
None. I had anticipated that Meghu and I would take turns to stand in the queue. But we ended up standing in 2 different ones, and there was not a single bench in sight. I was equipped with winterwear, but I wasn't carrying anything to sit on! The woman after me had luckily brought an old durrie. She spread it on the ground and happily shared it with me and the first lady. She also had her 3 year old son bravely withstanding the cold. I was so touched and in admiration. She shared her Umbrella with us... How much ever she could.
Then she wanted to go to the loo. She left her son in the first lady's care, who literally took the child in her lap, covered him with her shawl, held him close to her bosom like a mother would, and tried to pacify him as he woke up to find out that his mummy was gone. She rocked him, cajoled him, and eventually took him to the mother in the loo. ...... Now she had opened her Umbrella.
This first lady had also shared her story with me, invited me to sit on the durrie, given very helpful information about the Tatkal Procedure, and when THE moment at the counter came, she helped me count out cash quickly so that I wouldn't delay other people in the queue (every second is crucial).
And I was watching all the time how in harsh conditions too, some human beings choose to keep their humanity and have generous hearts. That was touching. For my part, I was struggling with the cold and lack of sleep most of the time. But I took my opportunities too. Shared my biscuits with both ladies, played with the child, assisted the first lady to find the right counter, and when the whole hall was crowded, we brought her out safely after we had bought our tickets. Then Meghu suggested we keep her company while she waited for her husband to get tickets and come out (both had to be buying tickets, they were a largish family). She was touched too.
Everybody had been helping each other, and sharing others' joy of getting confirmed tickets. It was such a heartwarming experience. I am humbled by the love flowing between complete strangers. I have yet to let this love flow so freely through me. I have so much learn.
I will never undergo this Tatkal Trial ever again, at least I don't want to endure the wait. But I am thankful that the whole experience was rewarding - I got the tickets I so badly wanted, and I saw Love in action.
I have learnt today that when we see others give selflessly, compassion in us can get switched on too. Vicariously or directly. You try to reciprocate the gesture, you end up giving more, and happily so. Then the other one responds. And before you know, a cycle of giving freely has started. It is immensely joyful.
Booking online failed, so we had to go to the nearest railway station the next day. Tatkal booking opens at sharp 10 am all over India, but the tickets are all exhausted in the first 10 minutes. It is all way too risky. People start forming a queue at the railway station gate from 4 am onwards! When we heard that, we were in disbelief - 6 hours of standing in a queue?! But we wanted our tickets anyhow and decided to take the advice seriously.
We are not regretting. When Meghu and I reached the Delhi Cantonment Railway Station at 4:10 am, we learnt that there were 2 queues, one for ladies and one for men. I thanked myself for deciding to accompany Meghu, because I turned out to be second in the ladies' queue! At what time did the first lady arrive? 3 am.
And the men? Meghu had 7 guys ahead of him. 5 of them had reached the station at 8 pm the previous night, and spread a sheet and slept out on the ground only.
Getting Tatkal tickets is seriously a grand struggle. The probability of getting a ticket, the wait time, the unnatural hours at which you must queue up....... and the weather.
Delhi winters are killing. I was wearing a monkey cap, gloves, woollen stole, sweater, jacket and socks. And was still shivering. My body is still hurting from having to pass those 6 hours in such cold! Plus, no place to sit.
None. I had anticipated that Meghu and I would take turns to stand in the queue. But we ended up standing in 2 different ones, and there was not a single bench in sight. I was equipped with winterwear, but I wasn't carrying anything to sit on! The woman after me had luckily brought an old durrie. She spread it on the ground and happily shared it with me and the first lady. She also had her 3 year old son bravely withstanding the cold. I was so touched and in admiration. She shared her Umbrella with us... How much ever she could.
Then she wanted to go to the loo. She left her son in the first lady's care, who literally took the child in her lap, covered him with her shawl, held him close to her bosom like a mother would, and tried to pacify him as he woke up to find out that his mummy was gone. She rocked him, cajoled him, and eventually took him to the mother in the loo. ...... Now she had opened her Umbrella.
This first lady had also shared her story with me, invited me to sit on the durrie, given very helpful information about the Tatkal Procedure, and when THE moment at the counter came, she helped me count out cash quickly so that I wouldn't delay other people in the queue (every second is crucial).
And I was watching all the time how in harsh conditions too, some human beings choose to keep their humanity and have generous hearts. That was touching. For my part, I was struggling with the cold and lack of sleep most of the time. But I took my opportunities too. Shared my biscuits with both ladies, played with the child, assisted the first lady to find the right counter, and when the whole hall was crowded, we brought her out safely after we had bought our tickets. Then Meghu suggested we keep her company while she waited for her husband to get tickets and come out (both had to be buying tickets, they were a largish family). She was touched too.
Everybody had been helping each other, and sharing others' joy of getting confirmed tickets. It was such a heartwarming experience. I am humbled by the love flowing between complete strangers. I have yet to let this love flow so freely through me. I have so much learn.
I will never undergo this Tatkal Trial ever again, at least I don't want to endure the wait. But I am thankful that the whole experience was rewarding - I got the tickets I so badly wanted, and I saw Love in action.
I have learnt today that when we see others give selflessly, compassion in us can get switched on too. Vicariously or directly. You try to reciprocate the gesture, you end up giving more, and happily so. Then the other one responds. And before you know, a cycle of giving freely has started. It is immensely joyful.
21 November 2012
I am capable of LOVING
The rickshaw man's thin shirt took my mind off my sadness, but only temporarily. My sadness felt so deep and intense, I sat brooding over what had happened over the day. Why did my previous landlords always insult me? Was I really that bad? Was I a bad, hopeless, sadness-inducing person?
And something shifted within me, in the light of what has happened for my Spiritual Umbrella. I reminded this injured self of mine that if 2 shallow people passed judgements and treated me badly, the shallowness remained on their side! I was someone who could snap out of my distress to cover someone in the cold, I was the one to think of educating my maid, give her experiences she had been denied, help her grow. I am one to think of giving/ buying food for beggars than choosing to give change.
So I am NOT how some people think me to be. I have to stop believing them, and believe in myself instead. Not just blind faith, but actually count my goodness so that I am not abusing me with negative self-talk all the time!
As the feeling is sinking in, I am suddenly recollecting SO MANY, just so many instances when I have been selfless, giving, thoughtful about others, exercised foresight and removed hurdles for people, given without expecting anything in return...... I have loved! I am capable of LOVING! I can't believe this - that is, the self that thinks I am no good....... I have to SEE how noble I naturally am.
Good chunks of my day are spent in actions and thoughts which focus on others' good, and I haven't even been aware! I donated both my Grad and Post Grad textbooks to needy juniors. I have gone out of my way to help visually challenged people reach their destination. I have picked other people's litter and thrown in the next available dustbin. I have fought with my near and dear ones to save electricity. I have been using the back sides of printed sheets to conserve trees. I have donated green refuse to cows when I could easily have shoved it all in my dustbin. I pass on unused gifts to people in need instead of hoarding them.
I am a very good person. I am a very responsible and thoughtful and sensitive person. I can stop thrashing and talking myself down, now.
I can remind myself that I have always held an umbrella for others.
And something shifted within me, in the light of what has happened for my Spiritual Umbrella. I reminded this injured self of mine that if 2 shallow people passed judgements and treated me badly, the shallowness remained on their side! I was someone who could snap out of my distress to cover someone in the cold, I was the one to think of educating my maid, give her experiences she had been denied, help her grow. I am one to think of giving/ buying food for beggars than choosing to give change.
So I am NOT how some people think me to be. I have to stop believing them, and believe in myself instead. Not just blind faith, but actually count my goodness so that I am not abusing me with negative self-talk all the time!
As the feeling is sinking in, I am suddenly recollecting SO MANY, just so many instances when I have been selfless, giving, thoughtful about others, exercised foresight and removed hurdles for people, given without expecting anything in return...... I have loved! I am capable of LOVING! I can't believe this - that is, the self that thinks I am no good....... I have to SEE how noble I naturally am.
Good chunks of my day are spent in actions and thoughts which focus on others' good, and I haven't even been aware! I donated both my Grad and Post Grad textbooks to needy juniors. I have gone out of my way to help visually challenged people reach their destination. I have picked other people's litter and thrown in the next available dustbin. I have fought with my near and dear ones to save electricity. I have been using the back sides of printed sheets to conserve trees. I have donated green refuse to cows when I could easily have shoved it all in my dustbin. I pass on unused gifts to people in need instead of hoarding them.
I am a very good person. I am a very responsible and thoughtful and sensitive person. I can stop thrashing and talking myself down, now.
I can remind myself that I have always held an umbrella for others.
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