Ruby's mother came to inform us one late afternoon that they will be taking a leave the next day (which was yesterday). Generally they take leaves on Sundays, but we said "OK". So they didn't come yesterday. And they didn't come today either.
The difference was - we were not informed about today. I waited and waited and finally called, to be answered by her mother (who had recently won my trust), she explained the reason and I knew the circumstances so I knew it was a big deal. She asked me to manage for a day, and she would come to work tomorrow (it is a Sunday). She also asked if I was angry.
What do I say????????
Just how much will people try my patience? How much more will they take me for granted? Is building the relationship just my onus? Why is it expected only from me to be accommodating, understanding and sensitive?
Why do I trust them repeatedly only to feel cheated over and over again?
I have decided to cut her salary to compensate for this extra leave, and cut even more for not informing me of the leave.
But the lesson learnt is that a relationship involves more than 1 person. And if has to exist, all parties involved will have to be motivated to make it work. It is time for them to make deposits with me, stop withdrawals of all kinds. This is if they want to keep our association going.
And the hard fact that it is possible for people to not care about things that are working well for them. For example, Ruby says I am the best employer she's had so far. If I am to sack her, will she lose out on anything? I am not sure she cares enough for what she receives from me.
There are people who do not deserve your niceness, simply because they don't understand they are being treated nicely.
Showing posts with label Ruby. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ruby. Show all posts
26 January 2013
20 January 2013
Some Updates
1. One of my micro-goals this year is to donate blood. Meghu and I were going to do it together so that I would have his moral support. But the other day, I saw an opportunity right where I was, and philosophised that maybe I am Meant to donate blood without Meghu by my side so that I can face my fear completely.
But it so happened that the doctor in the van looked at my palm and my eyes and pronounced that my haemoglobin level wasn't enough for donating blood. I gaped at him, how could he be so sure without doing an actual test?! I tried to reason with him that I have been fine lately, although earlier I had been put on iron supplements etc.
He politely refused. I got down disappointed, and met another staff outside the van, who insisted I do a test. There were two pathologists at the rear end of the van who would help me. They did the test, and said the same thing. My HB level was not enough.
I could not donate blood, and the doctor was a genius.
2. The last sweater was donated by Meghu to an old beggar lady the same day as my blood donation disappointment.
3. I did make my feelings known to Ruby after all. She came cheekily, trying to make small talk, but I was in no mood. I found an opportunity to talk when Meghu was out for a few minutes. We didn't teach her that day, on my decision. She did apologise but I let my angry demeanour be, for her to remember long enough to avoid such breaches of trust.
It worked. Next few days I was away when she came to work. Meghu taught her, but she kept enquiring if I my anger had extinguished. She went beyond her usual tasks and pro-actively did more jobs around the house to assuage me, perhaps. Even today came with an opportunity for her to demonstrate loyalty. What her mother told me today about her has helped me rekindle my trust in Ruby, her mother and her sister.
I hope this bond remains. And also the understanding that we will not take each other for granted.
4. Meghu and I had a massive fight lately, the consequences of which have been shameful. We have quickly taken corrective action, but the shame has not left me. Anger really IS just a little short of danger. It possesses you in no time, if you don't control the first feelers of it. It makes you inhuman. It makes you an animal.
I vow to never repeat what I did that day.
5. The TED talk that Nipun Mehta gave is not leaving my head. Something profound has been communicated simply and effortlessly. It has made me cry. And I am still figuring out what part has he touched to make me cry.
6. I love OLX and I love TED Talks as well.
7. I have urged Ruby's mother to send her sister Neeraj to study as well. I was told that Neeraj is shy, but she knows us well, so she can drop the inhibition. Plus she has been writing in Ruby's notebook, thereby expressing a desire to learn. And finally, if two sisters of similar ages study together, there might come a healthy competitiveness between them which will egg each of them to study harder, even if only to outdo the other one :)
8. In the wake of the Delhi rape case, our housing society here had organised a self-defence training for kids and women. I participated for just 1 day and am happy with my decision. I do feel empowered and confident. Thanks to the organisers.
But it so happened that the doctor in the van looked at my palm and my eyes and pronounced that my haemoglobin level wasn't enough for donating blood. I gaped at him, how could he be so sure without doing an actual test?! I tried to reason with him that I have been fine lately, although earlier I had been put on iron supplements etc.
He politely refused. I got down disappointed, and met another staff outside the van, who insisted I do a test. There were two pathologists at the rear end of the van who would help me. They did the test, and said the same thing. My HB level was not enough.
I could not donate blood, and the doctor was a genius.
2. The last sweater was donated by Meghu to an old beggar lady the same day as my blood donation disappointment.
3. I did make my feelings known to Ruby after all. She came cheekily, trying to make small talk, but I was in no mood. I found an opportunity to talk when Meghu was out for a few minutes. We didn't teach her that day, on my decision. She did apologise but I let my angry demeanour be, for her to remember long enough to avoid such breaches of trust.
It worked. Next few days I was away when she came to work. Meghu taught her, but she kept enquiring if I my anger had extinguished. She went beyond her usual tasks and pro-actively did more jobs around the house to assuage me, perhaps. Even today came with an opportunity for her to demonstrate loyalty. What her mother told me today about her has helped me rekindle my trust in Ruby, her mother and her sister.
I hope this bond remains. And also the understanding that we will not take each other for granted.
4. Meghu and I had a massive fight lately, the consequences of which have been shameful. We have quickly taken corrective action, but the shame has not left me. Anger really IS just a little short of danger. It possesses you in no time, if you don't control the first feelers of it. It makes you inhuman. It makes you an animal.
I vow to never repeat what I did that day.
5. The TED talk that Nipun Mehta gave is not leaving my head. Something profound has been communicated simply and effortlessly. It has made me cry. And I am still figuring out what part has he touched to make me cry.
6. I love OLX and I love TED Talks as well.
7. I have urged Ruby's mother to send her sister Neeraj to study as well. I was told that Neeraj is shy, but she knows us well, so she can drop the inhibition. Plus she has been writing in Ruby's notebook, thereby expressing a desire to learn. And finally, if two sisters of similar ages study together, there might come a healthy competitiveness between them which will egg each of them to study harder, even if only to outdo the other one :)
8. In the wake of the Delhi rape case, our housing society here had organised a self-defence training for kids and women. I participated for just 1 day and am happy with my decision. I do feel empowered and confident. Thanks to the organisers.
08 January 2013
Umbrella Abuse
My relationship with Ruby might just go down swing. I have been feeling being taken for granted. Just 2 days ago, we had a chat about what's up with her, and that we want to have open communication instead of the frustration, if any, building up within us all.
That chat revealed that she was finding the cold to be a big hindrance (quite understandable, this is her first Delhi winter experience) which ruined her mood and didn't motivate her to come to work, resulting in sloppy performance mostly. She seemed to be feeling better after that and I thought I would see a better Ruby (as she promised) on Monday.
She hasn't come today. She hasn't bothered to inform. I am very angry. I don't deserve to have a sink overflowing with dishes that need to be washed and an unclean house after really putting in all that effort to build a relationship with her. Most employers don't care to have a bond with their domestic helps.
I have repeatedly seen that my niceness has been taken for granted by this section of people I interact with. I don't know what goes wrong. Do they need a little rudeness? Do they misinterpret my deliberate niceness to be dumbness? Do they don't deserve friendship and oneness? Does there HAVE to be a social divide?
It is not me creating the divide, it seems to be them FORCING their employers to create it. Because of a sick mentality that they don't have enough, that the richer lot doesn't deserve a comfortable life, that they ought to then take shamelessly all that they can find and snatch.
I am angry, because I am hurt and abused. Ruby's probably going to have it from me tomorrow.
I am not sure if all the righteousness should be expected only from me. For this one thing, I don't have Meghu's support. He will not stand by me and speak with me tomorrow when I bring it up with Ruby. This hurts me further. Because she sees Meghu and me to be one unit. If Meghu doesn't express disappointment, she is obviously going to get into favouritism. Automatically dividing my husband and me.
I have had this struggle with Meghu since ever. This is one place where his reason takes a back seat to emotions and concept of 'trust'. Many painful memories of my previous landlady, previous maids and a few others get activated.
I wish Meghu trusted me and my moral sense more.
That chat revealed that she was finding the cold to be a big hindrance (quite understandable, this is her first Delhi winter experience) which ruined her mood and didn't motivate her to come to work, resulting in sloppy performance mostly. She seemed to be feeling better after that and I thought I would see a better Ruby (as she promised) on Monday.
She hasn't come today. She hasn't bothered to inform. I am very angry. I don't deserve to have a sink overflowing with dishes that need to be washed and an unclean house after really putting in all that effort to build a relationship with her. Most employers don't care to have a bond with their domestic helps.
I have repeatedly seen that my niceness has been taken for granted by this section of people I interact with. I don't know what goes wrong. Do they need a little rudeness? Do they misinterpret my deliberate niceness to be dumbness? Do they don't deserve friendship and oneness? Does there HAVE to be a social divide?
It is not me creating the divide, it seems to be them FORCING their employers to create it. Because of a sick mentality that they don't have enough, that the richer lot doesn't deserve a comfortable life, that they ought to then take shamelessly all that they can find and snatch.
I am angry, because I am hurt and abused. Ruby's probably going to have it from me tomorrow.
I am not sure if all the righteousness should be expected only from me. For this one thing, I don't have Meghu's support. He will not stand by me and speak with me tomorrow when I bring it up with Ruby. This hurts me further. Because she sees Meghu and me to be one unit. If Meghu doesn't express disappointment, she is obviously going to get into favouritism. Automatically dividing my husband and me.
I have had this struggle with Meghu since ever. This is one place where his reason takes a back seat to emotions and concept of 'trust'. Many painful memories of my previous landlady, previous maids and a few others get activated.
I wish Meghu trusted me and my moral sense more.
02 January 2013
Renew Your Connection NOW before it Expires!
I have been recently observing something unpleasant in Ruby's behaviour. Not only her proactivity has reduced, her sincerity at what she is supposed to be doing has gone down too. She seems to dislike something about her job.
I can't put my finger on what's going wrong. We have been making deposits as usual. I discussed many hypotheses with Meghu (because he is interacting much more with her than me), including normal mood swings and PMS. At the same time, we have seen her still being loyal and affectionate to us in small ways. It is confusing.
But I want to address this unconscious unspoken change before it becomes too late. Nothing drastic has happened, only a few rude remarks and taunts. But what is behind this rising bitterness?
Meghu has thrown a hint (why won't he tell me straight? He is too polite to talk directly, even with me). He feels that I spend less time with her. Very well then, I am home for a couple days now due to winter break. I have a good opportunity to observe her, see if there's a pattern, talk to her and find out if there's really something or am I reacting to a false alarm.
In any case, the realisation is that relationships need constant work. You dare not take them for granted or leave them on autopilot. Constant deposits and fixing and plugging are required.
I can't put my finger on what's going wrong. We have been making deposits as usual. I discussed many hypotheses with Meghu (because he is interacting much more with her than me), including normal mood swings and PMS. At the same time, we have seen her still being loyal and affectionate to us in small ways. It is confusing.
But I want to address this unconscious unspoken change before it becomes too late. Nothing drastic has happened, only a few rude remarks and taunts. But what is behind this rising bitterness?
Meghu has thrown a hint (why won't he tell me straight? He is too polite to talk directly, even with me). He feels that I spend less time with her. Very well then, I am home for a couple days now due to winter break. I have a good opportunity to observe her, see if there's a pattern, talk to her and find out if there's really something or am I reacting to a false alarm.
In any case, the realisation is that relationships need constant work. You dare not take them for granted or leave them on autopilot. Constant deposits and fixing and plugging are required.
28 December 2012
Ruby's First Exam
Meghu and I had decided to conduct Ruby's first exam in English ever since we began teaching her in October this year. I formulated the test which involved picture recognition, action verbs, Hindi equivalents of English words, English equivalents of Hindi words, recognition of colours and a free recall test. Altogether a total of 50 marks.
She scored 86%, and the difficulty level was set to 'easy'. I saw her make very silly mistakes, and at the same time brilliantly recall some rather difficult things. I think she could have done better, nonetheless.
We had already decided to take Ruby and her sister out for a movie and a visit to a mall (they have never had this experience yet), but that didn't work out due to various dynamics. And then we considered the point that her rewards can become bigger as she learns more and more and performs better over time.
So we gift-wrapped a cool stylish handbag, a notebook and 3 colour pens to egg her on for studying more. We told her these would be her study materials, that she must get these every day to be able to write new words.
She has been 'forgetting' to do this, and I am not quite happy about it. We might have unwittingly been very lenient with her, and so been being taken for granted. But it is not about us, it is about her education. I am realising that education is not just gaining knowledge. It is also learning healthy and helpful attitudes in life. It is time to teach Ruby a bit more about gratitude and respect.
She scored 86%, and the difficulty level was set to 'easy'. I saw her make very silly mistakes, and at the same time brilliantly recall some rather difficult things. I think she could have done better, nonetheless.
We had already decided to take Ruby and her sister out for a movie and a visit to a mall (they have never had this experience yet), but that didn't work out due to various dynamics. And then we considered the point that her rewards can become bigger as she learns more and more and performs better over time.
So we gift-wrapped a cool stylish handbag, a notebook and 3 colour pens to egg her on for studying more. We told her these would be her study materials, that she must get these every day to be able to write new words.
She has been 'forgetting' to do this, and I am not quite happy about it. We might have unwittingly been very lenient with her, and so been being taken for granted. But it is not about us, it is about her education. I am realising that education is not just gaining knowledge. It is also learning healthy and helpful attitudes in life. It is time to teach Ruby a bit more about gratitude and respect.
25 December 2012
Gratitude to strengthen my Umbrella
I know this : You can't give to others if your own cup is empty. As 2012 is ending (but the world has not ended) I realise that many salient things/ events happened to fill my cup considerably! They are the following:
1. This new house that I live in. We live here on rent, but so feels like HOME!! Aw, I am in Love with this new space!
2. The new system I set up to run the household very effectively. The credit is shared with Ruby and Meghu equally.
3. Meghu's attitudinal transformation. He has now made mammoth deposits in my heart, and I feel very loved. I admire him for the shift, and love every gesture he is making towards being a great husband.
4. The job I have recently found. The salary it brings helps us run the household, even if it is insufficient. It helps us keep our personal savings intact.
5. Limited workload. I am SO thankful about this one.
6. The Rotimaker that Mom-Dad gifted us for our first wedding anniversary. It has made life easy, ensured we eat at home, eat healthy AND save money.
7. The very generous cash gifts we received at our second wedding reception. It averted the rough phase we could have gone through until my first salary came by. Can't thank enough for this one.
8. My haircut. The length is so short now, doing my hair is quick and easy. Saves time, maintenance is cool too!
9. Trips planned and successfully completed. Karwar, Mumbai, Ladakh and Chandigarh.
10. The washing machine and air conditioner we bought. Big deals!! (A big hug to my Haier WM).
I am feeling so cool about myself!
1. This new house that I live in. We live here on rent, but so feels like HOME!! Aw, I am in Love with this new space!
2. The new system I set up to run the household very effectively. The credit is shared with Ruby and Meghu equally.
3. Meghu's attitudinal transformation. He has now made mammoth deposits in my heart, and I feel very loved. I admire him for the shift, and love every gesture he is making towards being a great husband.
4. The job I have recently found. The salary it brings helps us run the household, even if it is insufficient. It helps us keep our personal savings intact.
5. Limited workload. I am SO thankful about this one.
6. The Rotimaker that Mom-Dad gifted us for our first wedding anniversary. It has made life easy, ensured we eat at home, eat healthy AND save money.
7. The very generous cash gifts we received at our second wedding reception. It averted the rough phase we could have gone through until my first salary came by. Can't thank enough for this one.
8. My haircut. The length is so short now, doing my hair is quick and easy. Saves time, maintenance is cool too!
9. Trips planned and successfully completed. Karwar, Mumbai, Ladakh and Chandigarh.
10. The washing machine and air conditioner we bought. Big deals!! (A big hug to my Haier WM).
I am feeling so cool about myself!
18 November 2012
Work done on some ideas
Begin with Ruby. Her brother is very controlling, and has never let her go to movies or malls. To see what the world outside is like. I have already gifted her new clothes, I can now take her and Neeraj (her sister) out for a movie. Meghu loves the idea.
We basically want to take them out to a movie they are likely to enjoy, treat them to refreshments, and then take them to a shopping mall to window shop. But I am cautious of the young girls thinking that Meghu and I are here to pamper and spoil them. I don't want to encourage that, so we will put it as her reward for doing well in her English test, which we will set her in late December. That way she will have EARNED this outing.
We will begin to teach her short sentences January 2013 onwards, once she has a fair collection of English vocabulary. She is a quick learner and Meghu feels that within a year of being with us, she will be speaking quite well! We will teach her the alphabet in the summer of 2013.
Another plan I have for her, is that I want to put aside a sum in her name every year and build a fund which she can use when we eventually part (I am already fearing the possibility of her getting married and going away from us). We might buy her something useful with that money.
Then I have worked on my WinterWarmth Project. I experienced the severe Delhi winters for the first time last year. And I was in disbelief. How could it get that cold?! I would shiver under 2 blankets with my socks and gloves and sweaters over me, in a room with a heater on! That is when it occurred to me that people on the streets must perhaps be dying of cold.........
So I decided last year, and will execute this year the idea of distributing free blankets to homeless people in Delhi. I want to start with 100 people. I have an uncle in Mumbai who is very likely to sponsor the blankets. I will approach my neighbours to lend their car, and I don't think they will say no. And their children will only be too excited to help. I will soon have a Wallet and a Workforce for Project WinterWarmth.
I am thrilled and can hardly wait :)
We basically want to take them out to a movie they are likely to enjoy, treat them to refreshments, and then take them to a shopping mall to window shop. But I am cautious of the young girls thinking that Meghu and I are here to pamper and spoil them. I don't want to encourage that, so we will put it as her reward for doing well in her English test, which we will set her in late December. That way she will have EARNED this outing.
We will begin to teach her short sentences January 2013 onwards, once she has a fair collection of English vocabulary. She is a quick learner and Meghu feels that within a year of being with us, she will be speaking quite well! We will teach her the alphabet in the summer of 2013.
Another plan I have for her, is that I want to put aside a sum in her name every year and build a fund which she can use when we eventually part (I am already fearing the possibility of her getting married and going away from us). We might buy her something useful with that money.
Then I have worked on my WinterWarmth Project. I experienced the severe Delhi winters for the first time last year. And I was in disbelief. How could it get that cold?! I would shiver under 2 blankets with my socks and gloves and sweaters over me, in a room with a heater on! That is when it occurred to me that people on the streets must perhaps be dying of cold.........
So I decided last year, and will execute this year the idea of distributing free blankets to homeless people in Delhi. I want to start with 100 people. I have an uncle in Mumbai who is very likely to sponsor the blankets. I will approach my neighbours to lend their car, and I don't think they will say no. And their children will only be too excited to help. I will soon have a Wallet and a Workforce for Project WinterWarmth.
I am thrilled and can hardly wait :)
Ruby is truly a gem (pun intended)
Ruby is my domestic help. My third one in New Delhi. My best one in life.
She is young, happy-go-lucky and docile. She has been working at my place since 1 and half months now, and I am so blessed to have her. But I am also grateful for the decision that I want to have a long-term alliance with her. That helped me treat her differently from how I have been dealing with my previous maidservants.
And even as I write this, I am finding it awkward to refer to her as my maid. Because we have taken such liking, respect and responsibility for each other, that she feels like family.
Maids are an indispensable wheel in the machinery of Indian households. They are the backbone of housekeeping, and if you have an efficient one, a huge part of your worries has vanished. And yet, in India, it is very common to find employers and domestic helpers hold grudges against each other. The employers feel that they pay so much and yet have to bear tantrums from the D.H, while the latter fear being squeezed the juice out of, and basically exploited.
So, trust definitely does not exist in such relationships. Little appreciation from the Es and little conscientiousness from the D.Hs. A cycle of dissatisfaction and sadness on both sides.
I have suffered, and I assume my maids must have too. But before I took Ruby on, I decided to do things differently. To do them the way Stephen Covey suggests. To build trust, to see the relationship beyond what it represents, to respect the humanness of an employee and to work for it as though it were going to last a lifetime, much like family.
And I have succeeded. Compliments, polite corrective feedback, taking interest in her life, sharing my own with her, delegating tasks and trusting she will do them right - has gone a looooooong way! Plus Meghu and I have undertaken to teach her English everyday. She tells us she hasn't had employers like us. Her mother says we are her favourites. She demonstrates extra loyalty to us over others who have employed her. She loves her English words. And I think, she loves us too :)
We are more than happy. I am thrilled that I have successfully forged a beautiful relationship with my helper. That the whole concept actually works, and how! That she has accepted us to such a depth, that she completes additional tasks without being asked to, apart from perfectly executing already delegated ones. She wants to impress, she wants to keep the love coming to her. And she frees my mental space drastically for other endeavours.
She is one blessing I can't be thankful enough for.
Her being excited to come to work everyday, chat with us, share with us, get educated leaves a very meaningful and satisfied feeling in our hearts. Then we too want to overdeliver. We have happily given her Diwali gifts beyond her expectation. We are taking her English education seriously. Meghu helps her revise EVERYDAY while I am at work. We never deny her leaves.
Our cycle of giving freely has begun. We are only joyed to see each other everyday. I love this relationship!!
She is young, happy-go-lucky and docile. She has been working at my place since 1 and half months now, and I am so blessed to have her. But I am also grateful for the decision that I want to have a long-term alliance with her. That helped me treat her differently from how I have been dealing with my previous maidservants.
And even as I write this, I am finding it awkward to refer to her as my maid. Because we have taken such liking, respect and responsibility for each other, that she feels like family.
Maids are an indispensable wheel in the machinery of Indian households. They are the backbone of housekeeping, and if you have an efficient one, a huge part of your worries has vanished. And yet, in India, it is very common to find employers and domestic helpers hold grudges against each other. The employers feel that they pay so much and yet have to bear tantrums from the D.H, while the latter fear being squeezed the juice out of, and basically exploited.
So, trust definitely does not exist in such relationships. Little appreciation from the Es and little conscientiousness from the D.Hs. A cycle of dissatisfaction and sadness on both sides.
I have suffered, and I assume my maids must have too. But before I took Ruby on, I decided to do things differently. To do them the way Stephen Covey suggests. To build trust, to see the relationship beyond what it represents, to respect the humanness of an employee and to work for it as though it were going to last a lifetime, much like family.
And I have succeeded. Compliments, polite corrective feedback, taking interest in her life, sharing my own with her, delegating tasks and trusting she will do them right - has gone a looooooong way! Plus Meghu and I have undertaken to teach her English everyday. She tells us she hasn't had employers like us. Her mother says we are her favourites. She demonstrates extra loyalty to us over others who have employed her. She loves her English words. And I think, she loves us too :)
We are more than happy. I am thrilled that I have successfully forged a beautiful relationship with my helper. That the whole concept actually works, and how! That she has accepted us to such a depth, that she completes additional tasks without being asked to, apart from perfectly executing already delegated ones. She wants to impress, she wants to keep the love coming to her. And she frees my mental space drastically for other endeavours.
She is one blessing I can't be thankful enough for.
Her being excited to come to work everyday, chat with us, share with us, get educated leaves a very meaningful and satisfied feeling in our hearts. Then we too want to overdeliver. We have happily given her Diwali gifts beyond her expectation. We are taking her English education seriously. Meghu helps her revise EVERYDAY while I am at work. We never deny her leaves.
Our cycle of giving freely has begun. We are only joyed to see each other everyday. I love this relationship!!
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