My relationship with Ruby might just go down swing. I have been feeling being taken for granted. Just 2 days ago, we had a chat about what's up with her, and that we want to have open communication instead of the frustration, if any, building up within us all.
That chat revealed that she was finding the cold to be a big hindrance (quite understandable, this is her first Delhi winter experience) which ruined her mood and didn't motivate her to come to work, resulting in sloppy performance mostly. She seemed to be feeling better after that and I thought I would see a better Ruby (as she promised) on Monday.
She hasn't come today. She hasn't bothered to inform. I am very angry. I don't deserve to have a sink overflowing with dishes that need to be washed and an unclean house after really putting in all that effort to build a relationship with her. Most employers don't care to have a bond with their domestic helps.
I have repeatedly seen that my niceness has been taken for granted by this section of people I interact with. I don't know what goes wrong. Do they need a little rudeness? Do they misinterpret my deliberate niceness to be dumbness? Do they don't deserve friendship and oneness? Does there HAVE to be a social divide?
It is not me creating the divide, it seems to be them FORCING their employers to create it. Because of a sick mentality that they don't have enough, that the richer lot doesn't deserve a comfortable life, that they ought to then take shamelessly all that they can find and snatch.
I am angry, because I am hurt and abused. Ruby's probably going to have it from me tomorrow.
I am not sure if all the righteousness should be expected only from me. For this one thing, I don't have Meghu's support. He will not stand by me and speak with me tomorrow when I bring it up with Ruby. This hurts me further. Because she sees Meghu and me to be one unit. If Meghu doesn't express disappointment, she is obviously going to get into favouritism. Automatically dividing my husband and me.
I have had this struggle with Meghu since ever. This is one place where his reason takes a back seat to emotions and concept of 'trust'. Many painful memories of my previous landlady, previous maids and a few others get activated.
I wish Meghu trusted me and my moral sense more.
08 January 2013
02 January 2013
Silence in the Heart
Meghu shared Nipun Mehta's thought with me : True giving will make you feel silent in your heart.
That is peace for me.
Meghu is a constant guide about giving and other consciousness-raising choices. I am thankful to have him in my life.
That is peace for me.
Meghu is a constant guide about giving and other consciousness-raising choices. I am thankful to have him in my life.
Renew Your Connection NOW before it Expires!
I have been recently observing something unpleasant in Ruby's behaviour. Not only her proactivity has reduced, her sincerity at what she is supposed to be doing has gone down too. She seems to dislike something about her job.
I can't put my finger on what's going wrong. We have been making deposits as usual. I discussed many hypotheses with Meghu (because he is interacting much more with her than me), including normal mood swings and PMS. At the same time, we have seen her still being loyal and affectionate to us in small ways. It is confusing.
But I want to address this unconscious unspoken change before it becomes too late. Nothing drastic has happened, only a few rude remarks and taunts. But what is behind this rising bitterness?
Meghu has thrown a hint (why won't he tell me straight? He is too polite to talk directly, even with me). He feels that I spend less time with her. Very well then, I am home for a couple days now due to winter break. I have a good opportunity to observe her, see if there's a pattern, talk to her and find out if there's really something or am I reacting to a false alarm.
In any case, the realisation is that relationships need constant work. You dare not take them for granted or leave them on autopilot. Constant deposits and fixing and plugging are required.
I can't put my finger on what's going wrong. We have been making deposits as usual. I discussed many hypotheses with Meghu (because he is interacting much more with her than me), including normal mood swings and PMS. At the same time, we have seen her still being loyal and affectionate to us in small ways. It is confusing.
But I want to address this unconscious unspoken change before it becomes too late. Nothing drastic has happened, only a few rude remarks and taunts. But what is behind this rising bitterness?
Meghu has thrown a hint (why won't he tell me straight? He is too polite to talk directly, even with me). He feels that I spend less time with her. Very well then, I am home for a couple days now due to winter break. I have a good opportunity to observe her, see if there's a pattern, talk to her and find out if there's really something or am I reacting to a false alarm.
In any case, the realisation is that relationships need constant work. You dare not take them for granted or leave them on autopilot. Constant deposits and fixing and plugging are required.
Receiving Gracefully
Meghu and I were midway through our lunch when the doorbell rung. I found a well-dressed woman who wanted some donation for the J&K victims of a bomb blast. I requested her to come a little later since we were having lunch then. The woman insisted thrice. I wasn't liking it, but since I am assertive, I didn't budge. I told her to come LAY-TER. She wasn't understanding, said she would visit houses upstairs and come again (which would take her around 5 minutes, I calculated). I was feeling pressurised.
I had decided in my heart that her behaviour wasn't evoking any sympathy from me. She wasn't requesting for help, she was demanding. But I kept my thoughts to myself, returned to my meal and told Meghu who it was.
To my surprise, Meghu had already given some donation a week ago to these very people. He knows that I don't like to help in cash, but kind. So he reassured me that he gave 50 bucks after a long 15 minute interview with a young man who was soliciting funds. This young man wasn't grateful, he immediately told Meghu that others had given 500 bucks, and that rubbed Meghu the wrong way. Meghu was happy giving him 50, but if the guy wasn't he could very well return those 50.
Now, this woman did come in 5 minutes, and Meghu answered the bell this time. He explained that a donation was already made, so she could try elsewhere. She insisted, she started telling us about their plight, some orphaned children etc. As soon as she mentioned kids, we realised we could give her some sweaters. She didn't feel happy about that. We were already feeling pushed, and now she added disappointment to it. She went on with her pressurising. She made some rude remarks, which made Meghu take back even the Sweater-offer. To which she started telling us how we were not good people, how we had everything and were still not willing to help. I think she mentioned 'God' also somewhere.
I felt Meghu didn't need to be hearing all that, so we had to close the door in her face. We resumed our lunch conversation normally, but I have been disturbed ever since.
Meghu and I have discussed Giving at length. We have realised that:
1. Only JOYFUL GIVING is true giving. If you didn't feel good, overjoyed, peaceful or silent after your act of kindness, that kindness has gone down the drain.
2. Joyful Giving comes 2 situations : if you gave without being asked to AND if your answer to a solicitation of help was received gracefully.
3. Giving does not end in itself. The way it is received makes a lot of difference in how YOU feel after giving, whether you will give again, and the size of your generosity in general.
4. People who receive ARE in some way being rescued from a difficult situation. They must have humility, politeness and gratitude in their manner. If they are cheeky, rude, demanding and pushy, they are confirming their belief that they are entitled to other people's help. That others better yield or else......! Such individuals won't go very far in their cause.
On second thoughts, everyone should be humble, polite and grateful. Even people who are in the giving position.
5. Giving purely is not enough. Giving intelligently is what is required. Use your discretion amply. Don't criticise yourself for denying help to someone who was asking but not deserving. That is the reason why helping a friend copy in examinations is not good. Such giving is NOT GOOD.
6. Give to empower. Avoid giving that encourages dependency. That help is not real help. Just as they say :
Give a hungry man a fish, feed him for a day; teach him how to fish, feed him for a lifetime.
If that means you will take a whole year to gather enough resources for empowering someone, and therefore won't have resources for helping others in small ways; so be it. Better to empower one than to make ten dependent.
Meghu and I are still discussing intermittently. Looks like there's tons to learn about having a generous heart.
I had decided in my heart that her behaviour wasn't evoking any sympathy from me. She wasn't requesting for help, she was demanding. But I kept my thoughts to myself, returned to my meal and told Meghu who it was.
To my surprise, Meghu had already given some donation a week ago to these very people. He knows that I don't like to help in cash, but kind. So he reassured me that he gave 50 bucks after a long 15 minute interview with a young man who was soliciting funds. This young man wasn't grateful, he immediately told Meghu that others had given 500 bucks, and that rubbed Meghu the wrong way. Meghu was happy giving him 50, but if the guy wasn't he could very well return those 50.
Now, this woman did come in 5 minutes, and Meghu answered the bell this time. He explained that a donation was already made, so she could try elsewhere. She insisted, she started telling us about their plight, some orphaned children etc. As soon as she mentioned kids, we realised we could give her some sweaters. She didn't feel happy about that. We were already feeling pushed, and now she added disappointment to it. She went on with her pressurising. She made some rude remarks, which made Meghu take back even the Sweater-offer. To which she started telling us how we were not good people, how we had everything and were still not willing to help. I think she mentioned 'God' also somewhere.
I felt Meghu didn't need to be hearing all that, so we had to close the door in her face. We resumed our lunch conversation normally, but I have been disturbed ever since.
Meghu and I have discussed Giving at length. We have realised that:
1. Only JOYFUL GIVING is true giving. If you didn't feel good, overjoyed, peaceful or silent after your act of kindness, that kindness has gone down the drain.
2. Joyful Giving comes 2 situations : if you gave without being asked to AND if your answer to a solicitation of help was received gracefully.
3. Giving does not end in itself. The way it is received makes a lot of difference in how YOU feel after giving, whether you will give again, and the size of your generosity in general.
4. People who receive ARE in some way being rescued from a difficult situation. They must have humility, politeness and gratitude in their manner. If they are cheeky, rude, demanding and pushy, they are confirming their belief that they are entitled to other people's help. That others better yield or else......! Such individuals won't go very far in their cause.
On second thoughts, everyone should be humble, polite and grateful. Even people who are in the giving position.
5. Giving purely is not enough. Giving intelligently is what is required. Use your discretion amply. Don't criticise yourself for denying help to someone who was asking but not deserving. That is the reason why helping a friend copy in examinations is not good. Such giving is NOT GOOD.
6. Give to empower. Avoid giving that encourages dependency. That help is not real help. Just as they say :
Give a hungry man a fish, feed him for a day; teach him how to fish, feed him for a lifetime.
If that means you will take a whole year to gather enough resources for empowering someone, and therefore won't have resources for helping others in small ways; so be it. Better to empower one than to make ten dependent.
Meghu and I are still discussing intermittently. Looks like there's tons to learn about having a generous heart.
31 December 2012
Small Acts of Kindness
I wanted to get a watch repaired today. It was a minor repair, the technician did it for free. I am very happy about this, he actually enhanced my day.
Now, we may say that we must all engage in such small acts of kindness - we call them small because maybe they cost us less effort. But I am thinking that no act can really be 'small' because the decision to engage in any kindness is always a BIG thing, especially when we are all living with a belief of scarcity of everything we have.
For example, insisting that the vendor accept more than he has charged us, because he has wrongly calculated the prices. Maybe he undercharged me by a very small amount (as in today's case), or undercharged a big sum (as in yesterday's waterbottles' case). I stood to gain in both scenarios. But it took me courage to decide against my autotendency to let the calculating mistakes be so that I benefited from it. It is THAT decision that was big.
Another thing- the guy who presses our clothes, today, would have made a loss of just 2 bucks had I not insisted on the right bill. The fact that a customer chose to be honest for his interest, must have touched him a great deal.
So an act of kindness is big, if the courage or values behind it are big, and if the result is big. And in most cases, this is so.
If you engage in any kindness, pat yourself. It is a big deal. And if someone's been kind to you, don't take that lightly either.
Now, we may say that we must all engage in such small acts of kindness - we call them small because maybe they cost us less effort. But I am thinking that no act can really be 'small' because the decision to engage in any kindness is always a BIG thing, especially when we are all living with a belief of scarcity of everything we have.
For example, insisting that the vendor accept more than he has charged us, because he has wrongly calculated the prices. Maybe he undercharged me by a very small amount (as in today's case), or undercharged a big sum (as in yesterday's waterbottles' case). I stood to gain in both scenarios. But it took me courage to decide against my autotendency to let the calculating mistakes be so that I benefited from it. It is THAT decision that was big.
Another thing- the guy who presses our clothes, today, would have made a loss of just 2 bucks had I not insisted on the right bill. The fact that a customer chose to be honest for his interest, must have touched him a great deal.
So an act of kindness is big, if the courage or values behind it are big, and if the result is big. And in most cases, this is so.
If you engage in any kindness, pat yourself. It is a big deal. And if someone's been kind to you, don't take that lightly either.
Rabbit! Rabbit!
My muffs have been a source of smiles today.
I was wearing them as I just stepped into the Metro, and I heard a small child's loud voice, "Rabbit! Rabbit!" I found all eyes on me, lots of giggles and the child still wondering how I had rabbits on my ears :)
These muffs are rather cute-looking, and with my short hair-do, they actually make me look like a baby. Very comfortable. LOL.
When I eventually edged towards the seat and did find one soon enough, the child began pointing to the bunnies again! I called the child near, put my muffs around her and she was very happy! But in an instant, she removed them, handed them to her mom, who taught her to return them to me with a thank you. This 3 yr old did as told in a very sweet voice. Oh, the innocence of some kids!
Just before that, 2 senior tourists stepped in and caught my eye, they smiled warmly (people of other countries smile very easily at strangers, as Meghu tells me) and then mouthed "Very nice" pointing at my muffs.
All through my journey, my earmuffs kept me warm and kept others amused. I am happy about it!!
I was wearing them as I just stepped into the Metro, and I heard a small child's loud voice, "Rabbit! Rabbit!" I found all eyes on me, lots of giggles and the child still wondering how I had rabbits on my ears :)
These muffs are rather cute-looking, and with my short hair-do, they actually make me look like a baby. Very comfortable. LOL.
When I eventually edged towards the seat and did find one soon enough, the child began pointing to the bunnies again! I called the child near, put my muffs around her and she was very happy! But in an instant, she removed them, handed them to her mom, who taught her to return them to me with a thank you. This 3 yr old did as told in a very sweet voice. Oh, the innocence of some kids!
Just before that, 2 senior tourists stepped in and caught my eye, they smiled warmly (people of other countries smile very easily at strangers, as Meghu tells me) and then mouthed "Very nice" pointing at my muffs.
All through my journey, my earmuffs kept me warm and kept others amused. I am happy about it!!
30 December 2012
What a day!
Meghu and I celebrated the new year's eve a day earlier. It was an excellent day financially. There's much to feel happy for:
1. The wonderful fruits I bought today morn.
2. My period that is not only on time, but also a good one.
3. Meghu agreed to come with me to the malls.
4. Meghu bought the veggies and the groceries all at once.
5. Could do 2 sets of laundry in the morning.
6. Was looking good :) today
7. The curd isn't exactly ruined. Wise decision to wait and watch.
8. Meghu had 2 oranges and gave himself some roughage (good boy)
9. Could find a GOOD autorickshaw to go to the Malls. Spent much lesser.
10. Our waterbottles came at a staggering discount! I was so delighted, I danced in public :D
11. Bought very cute ear-muffs which my kids at the school and elder sister will love. They are two bunnies jutting out at either end of the muffs. For a cool discount too, this one.
12. A very old movie we bought to celebrate the day and the year-end. Hope it is worth watching.
13. The most unbelievable waist coat I bought at 70% discount, which made item no.14 possible!
14. Another waistcoat of a completely different style that came at 60% discount.
15. The coolest fact that my latest Translation assignment could pay for the muffs and the 2 waistcoats entirely.
The day also included distributing 4 sweaters. We were at a traffic light, saw some beggars and urchins as usual. Gave a sweater to one, and immediately repented. A whole group gathered around us, annoying the driver no end, and exasperating us too. Even when we were done giving the other 3 away, some beggars hung about, arguing, requesting, snatching the empty paper bag and eventually tearing it. One boy even came back almost angrily complaining that we gave him an empty paper bag!
Meghu is most unhappy. He has decided that we will henceforth carry only one sweater (3 more remain) every outing so that our giving and their receiving is more graceful, marked by a conversation, even if it just a 'thanks' from the other person, or a 'bless you' from us.
I agree with him completely.
1. The wonderful fruits I bought today morn.
2. My period that is not only on time, but also a good one.
3. Meghu agreed to come with me to the malls.
4. Meghu bought the veggies and the groceries all at once.
5. Could do 2 sets of laundry in the morning.
6. Was looking good :) today
7. The curd isn't exactly ruined. Wise decision to wait and watch.
8. Meghu had 2 oranges and gave himself some roughage (good boy)
9. Could find a GOOD autorickshaw to go to the Malls. Spent much lesser.
10. Our waterbottles came at a staggering discount! I was so delighted, I danced in public :D
11. Bought very cute ear-muffs which my kids at the school and elder sister will love. They are two bunnies jutting out at either end of the muffs. For a cool discount too, this one.
12. A very old movie we bought to celebrate the day and the year-end. Hope it is worth watching.
13. The most unbelievable waist coat I bought at 70% discount, which made item no.14 possible!
14. Another waistcoat of a completely different style that came at 60% discount.
15. The coolest fact that my latest Translation assignment could pay for the muffs and the 2 waistcoats entirely.
The day also included distributing 4 sweaters. We were at a traffic light, saw some beggars and urchins as usual. Gave a sweater to one, and immediately repented. A whole group gathered around us, annoying the driver no end, and exasperating us too. Even when we were done giving the other 3 away, some beggars hung about, arguing, requesting, snatching the empty paper bag and eventually tearing it. One boy even came back almost angrily complaining that we gave him an empty paper bag!
Meghu is most unhappy. He has decided that we will henceforth carry only one sweater (3 more remain) every outing so that our giving and their receiving is more graceful, marked by a conversation, even if it just a 'thanks' from the other person, or a 'bless you' from us.
I agree with him completely.
29 December 2012
Prayers have worked
The source of a dozen sweaters who was hospitalised a few days ago, has just gone through a successful surgery. Prayers of relatives, friends, well-wishers have worked. His own strong will to get back to life has worked. And the hoped-for blessings from the beneficiaries of the sweaters might have worked too.
Tomorrow we will take a few more sweaters to the needy. Hopefully, the Universe will bring such people to our notice who are genuinely in need of warmth, and not hungry for just about anything free that comes their way.
Tomorrow we will take a few more sweaters to the needy. Hopefully, the Universe will bring such people to our notice who are genuinely in need of warmth, and not hungry for just about anything free that comes their way.
28 December 2012
When Giving goes Viral
Meghu has talked about this to me. I have seen a few videos on this before. It is about how someone can start a chain reaction of giving.
I unwittingly participated in one in a short episode on the Delhi Metro a few weeks ago.
After work, I had just boarded the Metro back home, quite tired, frustrated and irritated. It was a peak hour and I wasn't hoping to find a seat. The Metro was jam-packed anyway and while standing in my limited area, I overheard a conversation of an elderly man with 2 young boys.
The boys were urging this gentleman to claim his seat reserved for elderly people. These were, in that moment, occupied by 2 men in their mid-thirties. The old uncle replied that if they vacated the seats themselves, that would be nice, for he didn't like asking people - that would make him feel weak and needy.
Now, one of these men got up because it was his station next. I edged forward to make space for him to find his way to the exit. The one who was going to sit in this recently vacated seat, thought that I wanted the seat, so he let me sit. I refused initially, urging him to sit, but he insisted, so I gladly took it. GIVING 1.
It had been less than 15 seconds that I had relaxed myself into the seat, when I realised I was sitting on one reserved for old people. I remembered what that old guy had said, so I sought him out in the crowd and insisted that he sit. GIVING 2.
It had again been less than 15 seconds that I vacated the seat, when this old uncle got up and gave his seat to a lady in her early fifties. GIVING 3.
When I saw this, I smiled to myself. I realised that what they say about food, is also true for seats. Morsels and seats come with names written on them. It is pure luck and destiny that you are getting to enjoy them.
And then I got mock-mad at myself for giving the seat to that old guy.
1 seat, 3 people to relinquish it for the next one, 1 beneficiary. All in less than a minute in a very crowded Metro.
Amusing.
I unwittingly participated in one in a short episode on the Delhi Metro a few weeks ago.
After work, I had just boarded the Metro back home, quite tired, frustrated and irritated. It was a peak hour and I wasn't hoping to find a seat. The Metro was jam-packed anyway and while standing in my limited area, I overheard a conversation of an elderly man with 2 young boys.
The boys were urging this gentleman to claim his seat reserved for elderly people. These were, in that moment, occupied by 2 men in their mid-thirties. The old uncle replied that if they vacated the seats themselves, that would be nice, for he didn't like asking people - that would make him feel weak and needy.
Now, one of these men got up because it was his station next. I edged forward to make space for him to find his way to the exit. The one who was going to sit in this recently vacated seat, thought that I wanted the seat, so he let me sit. I refused initially, urging him to sit, but he insisted, so I gladly took it. GIVING 1.
It had been less than 15 seconds that I had relaxed myself into the seat, when I realised I was sitting on one reserved for old people. I remembered what that old guy had said, so I sought him out in the crowd and insisted that he sit. GIVING 2.
It had again been less than 15 seconds that I vacated the seat, when this old uncle got up and gave his seat to a lady in her early fifties. GIVING 3.
When I saw this, I smiled to myself. I realised that what they say about food, is also true for seats. Morsels and seats come with names written on them. It is pure luck and destiny that you are getting to enjoy them.
And then I got mock-mad at myself for giving the seat to that old guy.
1 seat, 3 people to relinquish it for the next one, 1 beneficiary. All in less than a minute in a very crowded Metro.
Amusing.
Unwanted Umbrella
When someone rejects your umbrella, it could be because he doesn't need help. Or because he doesn't need YOUR help.
In either case, go for your self-respect. Tell yourself you hold a very magical umbrella. You embody love when you hold it.
Bless the one who rejected your love. May he find love wherever else he is looking - if he is seeking at all. If not, good luck to him anyway.
The fact that you offered is a big deal.
The rejection is not about your being bad or insufficient. It is about someone not being receptive. And that is OKAY.
In either case, go for your self-respect. Tell yourself you hold a very magical umbrella. You embody love when you hold it.
Bless the one who rejected your love. May he find love wherever else he is looking - if he is seeking at all. If not, good luck to him anyway.
The fact that you offered is a big deal.
The rejection is not about your being bad or insufficient. It is about someone not being receptive. And that is OKAY.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)