My Intentions for my Essence

I want compassion, generosity and kindness to become my nature. I want to live these virtues as a way of life, not just in isolated moments and rare behaviour. Much like I have chosen sincerity, thoroughness, orderliness, honesty, assertiveness and others.

Holding Umbrellas over Each Other

I am very excited about my trip to Mumbai, my hometown. I finally have confirmed tickets, thanks to the Tatkal quota of the very amazing Indian Railways. But getting Tatkal tickets is not an easy job.

Booking online failed, so we had to go to the nearest railway station the next day. Tatkal booking opens at sharp 10 am all over India, but the tickets are all exhausted in the first 10 minutes. It is all way too risky. People start forming a queue at the railway station gate from 4 am onwards! When we heard that, we were in disbelief - 6 hours of standing in a queue?! But we wanted our tickets anyhow and decided to take the advice seriously.

We are not regretting. When Meghu and I reached the Delhi Cantonment Railway Station at 4:10 am, we learnt that there were 2 queues, one for ladies and one for men. I thanked myself for deciding to accompany Meghu, because I turned out to be second in the ladies' queue! At what time did the first lady arrive? 3 am.

And the men? Meghu had 7 guys ahead of him. 5 of them had reached the station at 8 pm the previous night, and spread a sheet and slept out on the ground only.

Getting Tatkal tickets is seriously a grand struggle. The probability of getting a ticket, the wait time, the unnatural hours at which you must queue up....... and the weather.

Delhi winters are killing. I was wearing a monkey cap, gloves, woollen stole, sweater, jacket and socks. And was still shivering. My body is still hurting from having to pass those 6 hours in such cold! Plus, no place to sit.

None. I had anticipated that Meghu and I would take turns to stand in the queue. But we ended up standing in 2 different ones, and there was not a single bench in sight. I was equipped with winterwear, but I wasn't carrying anything to sit on! The woman after me had luckily brought an old durrie. She spread it on the ground and happily shared it with me and the first lady. She also had her 3 year old son bravely withstanding the cold. I was so touched and in admiration. She shared her Umbrella with us... How much ever she could.

Then she wanted to go to the loo. She left her son in the first lady's care, who literally took the child in her lap, covered him with her shawl, held him close to her bosom like a mother would, and tried to pacify him as he woke up to find out that his mummy was gone. She rocked him, cajoled him, and eventually took him to the mother in the loo. ...... Now she had opened her Umbrella.

This first lady had also shared her story with me, invited me to sit on the durrie, given very helpful information about the Tatkal Procedure, and when THE moment at the counter came, she helped me count out cash quickly so that I wouldn't delay other people in the queue (every second is crucial).

And I was watching all the time how in harsh conditions too, some human beings choose to keep their humanity and have generous hearts. That was touching. For my part, I was struggling with the cold and lack of sleep most of the time. But I took my opportunities too. Shared my biscuits with both ladies, played with the child, assisted the first lady to find the right counter, and when the whole hall was crowded, we brought her out safely after we had bought our tickets. Then Meghu suggested we keep her company while she waited for her husband to get tickets and come out (both had to be buying tickets, they were a largish family). She was touched too.

Everybody had been helping each other, and sharing others' joy of getting confirmed tickets. It was such a heartwarming experience. I am humbled by the love flowing between complete strangers. I have yet to let this love flow so freely through me. I have so much learn.

I will never undergo this Tatkal Trial ever again, at least I don't want to endure the wait. But I am thankful that the whole experience was rewarding - I got the tickets I so badly wanted, and I saw Love in action.

I have learnt today that when we see others give selflessly, compassion in us can get switched on too. Vicariously or directly. You try to reciprocate the gesture, you end up giving more, and happily so. Then the other one responds. And before you know, a cycle of giving freely has started. It is immensely joyful.

Kind Deeds_21 Nov.2012

My belittling negative self-talk has been around for many years now, consistently eroding my self-esteem. It will take time and consistent effort then to change it.

This blog will also be my portal to learning positive self-talk.

I want to mention my kind deeds daily for 2 reasons:
1. To give tangible proof to myself that I am good at heart. I have a heart and it is filled with love. Lots of love, like a sponge that is dripping with water.
2. To encourage me to expand an already giving heart, by holding thoughts of goodness and kindness which will translate to acts of giving.

Today:
1. I prayed and wished earnestly in my heart that my senior conceive soon. She's been wanting to, for long now.
2. I also explored the possibility of counseling an emotionally starved child who is engaging in disruptive attention seeking behaviour at a school I go to for observership.
3. I also complimented 2 children for an excellent narration of how they spent their Diwali holidays, and enquired after another child who seems deeper and more intense than his classmates, who writes poetry and perhaps needs a mentor.
4. I spoke to the kids about why bursting crackers is not responsible behaviour.
5. I always thank my students for being a nice class, regardless of how they actually were. Because I want them to know that I care about all of us having a disciplined, fun and meaningful class, and that they are important to me.
6. I have been kind, understanding and loving to Meghu despite my own pain.

I am capable of LOVING

The rickshaw man's thin shirt took my mind off my sadness, but only temporarily. My sadness felt so deep and intense, I sat brooding over what had happened over the day. Why did my previous landlords always insult me? Was I really that bad? Was I a bad, hopeless, sadness-inducing person?

And something shifted within me, in the light of what has happened for my Spiritual Umbrella. I reminded this injured self of mine that if 2 shallow people passed judgements and treated me badly, the shallowness remained on their side! I was someone who could snap out of my distress to cover someone in the cold, I was the one to think of educating my maid, give her experiences she had been denied, help her grow. I am one to think of giving/ buying food for beggars than choosing to give change.

So I am NOT how some people think me to be. I have to stop believing them, and believe in myself instead. Not just blind faith, but actually count my goodness so that I am not abusing me with negative self-talk all the time!

As the feeling is sinking in, I am suddenly recollecting SO MANY, just so many instances when I have been selfless, giving, thoughtful about others, exercised foresight and removed hurdles for people, given without expecting anything in return...... I have loved! I am capable of LOVING! I can't believe this - that is, the self that thinks I am no good....... I have to SEE how noble I naturally am.

Good chunks of my day are spent in actions and thoughts which focus on others' good, and I haven't even been aware! I donated both my Grad and Post Grad textbooks to needy juniors. I have gone out of my way to help visually challenged people reach their destination. I have picked other people's litter and thrown in the next available dustbin. I have fought with my near and dear ones to save electricity. I have been using the back sides of printed sheets to conserve trees. I have donated green refuse to cows when I could easily have shoved it all in my dustbin. I pass on unused gifts to people in need instead of hoarding them.

I am a very good person. I am a very responsible and thoughtful and sensitive person. I can stop thrashing and talking myself down, now.

I can remind myself that I have always held an umbrella for others.

An Unexpected Start to Project WinterWarmth

Yesterday was a rotten day. By the end of it, I was emotionally bruised and very tired. I was craving warmth, affection and comfort. Meghu and I were returning home from a late dinner on a cycle rickshaw, with me feeling unloved, disrespected and violated. Heavy feelings, these!

Obviously I wasn't expecting to reach out to anyone this day! But just as we were nearing home, I noticed that my rickshaw man was wearing just a thin shirt in such cold weather. The moment I saw an opportunity to expand my umbrella, my mind was off my sadness temporarily. We reached our destination and paid him. Then I asked him why he wasn't wearing a sweater..Was he not feeling cold? He replied saying he forgot to bring, and then muttered that he will buy one soon. I don't know what the truth was, but I knew it was very cold in that moment, and he didn't have much to keep himself warm.

I asked him if he could wait a couple of minutes, I could get him a sweater. Meghu and I were excited, we could infuse a bad day with some Light! So we found him a spare sweater (one of Meghu's that's perfectly warm, but for the 'bubbling' on its surface). I also took him a pair of hand-gloves.

When we finally presented him those, and he had worn his new sweater immediately, I think all 3 of us were too overwhelmed to speak much. He tried to thank, and we could manage a bye. But there was such an unexpected goodness in the moment, none of us had anticipated that we will get an opportunity to bring someone under the Umbrella, and he will get a sweater.

On reflection, I feel that this was the Universe's trailer to show me that I was on the right track with my intention of Project WinterWarmth!

:)

Work done on some ideas

Begin with Ruby. Her brother is very controlling, and has never let her go to movies or malls. To see what the world outside is like. I have already gifted her new clothes, I can now take her and Neeraj (her sister) out for a movie. Meghu loves the idea.

We basically want to take them out to a movie they are likely to enjoy, treat them to refreshments, and then take them to a shopping mall to window shop. But I am cautious of the young girls thinking that Meghu and I are here to pamper and spoil them. I don't want to encourage that, so we will put it as her reward for doing well in her English test, which we will set her in late December. That way she will have EARNED this outing.

We will begin to teach her short sentences January 2013 onwards, once she has a fair collection of English vocabulary. She is a quick learner and Meghu feels that within a year of being with us, she will be speaking quite well! We will teach her the alphabet in the summer of 2013.

Another plan I have for her, is that I want to put aside a sum in her name every year and build a fund which she can use when we eventually part (I am already fearing the possibility of her getting married and going away from us). We might buy her something useful with that money.

Then I have worked on my WinterWarmth Project. I experienced the severe Delhi winters for the first time last year. And I was in disbelief. How could it get that cold?! I would shiver under 2 blankets with my socks and gloves and sweaters over me, in a room with a heater on! That is when it occurred to me that people on the streets must perhaps be dying of cold.........

So I decided last year, and will execute this year the idea of distributing free blankets to homeless people in Delhi. I want to start with 100 people. I have an uncle in Mumbai who is very likely to sponsor the blankets. I will approach my neighbours to lend their car, and I don't think they will say no. And their children will only be too excited to help. I will soon have a Wallet and a Workforce for Project WinterWarmth.

I am thrilled and can hardly wait :)

Ruby is truly a gem (pun intended)

Ruby is my domestic help. My third one in New Delhi. My best one in life.

She is young, happy-go-lucky and docile. She has been working at my place since 1 and half months now, and I am so blessed to have her. But I am also grateful for the decision that I want to have a long-term alliance with her. That helped me treat her differently from how I have been dealing with my previous maidservants.

And even as I write this, I am finding it awkward to refer to her as my maid. Because we have taken such liking, respect and responsibility for each other, that she feels like family.

Maids are an indispensable wheel in the machinery of Indian households. They are the backbone of housekeeping, and if you have an efficient one, a huge part of your worries has vanished. And yet, in India, it is very common to find employers and domestic helpers hold grudges against each other. The employers feel that they pay so much and yet have to bear tantrums from the D.H, while the latter fear being squeezed the juice out of, and basically exploited.

So, trust definitely does not exist in such relationships. Little appreciation from the Es and little conscientiousness from the D.Hs. A cycle of dissatisfaction and sadness on both sides.

I have suffered, and I assume my maids must have too. But before I took Ruby on, I decided to do things differently. To do them the way Stephen Covey suggests. To build trust, to see the relationship beyond what it represents, to respect the humanness of an employee and to work for it as though it were going to last a lifetime, much like family.

And I have succeeded. Compliments, polite corrective feedback, taking interest in her life, sharing my own with her, delegating tasks and trusting she will do them right - has gone a looooooong way! Plus Meghu and I have undertaken to teach her English everyday. She tells us she hasn't had employers like us. Her mother says we are her favourites. She demonstrates extra loyalty to us over others who have employed her. She loves her English words. And I think, she loves us too :)

We are more than happy. I am thrilled that I have successfully forged a beautiful relationship with my helper. That the whole concept actually works, and how! That she has accepted us to such a depth, that she completes additional tasks without being asked to, apart from perfectly executing already delegated ones. She wants to impress, she wants to keep the love coming to her. And she frees my mental space drastically for other endeavours.

She is one blessing I can't be thankful enough for.

Her being excited to come to work everyday, chat with us, share with us, get educated leaves a very meaningful and satisfied feeling in our hearts. Then we too want to overdeliver. We have happily given her Diwali gifts beyond her expectation. We are taking her English education seriously. Meghu helps her revise EVERYDAY while I am at work. We never deny her leaves.

Our cycle of giving freely has begun. We are only joyed to see each other everyday. I love this relationship!!

Confirmation from the Subconscious/Unconscious

Thought about my projects and ideas till 4:30am. Let those ideas churn in my head. Slept. Had 2 dreams.

1. I was a part of a massive revolution, at risk of dying, but leading a large group nonetheless. Not an iota of fear. No aggression either. Just immense faith in the mission and an ocean of calmness. We knew we were at the brink of something that would change the world. I was being interviewed on the go. Was at a field, those were pre-dawn hours, the sky was still blue..there were Mashaals (Torches) and people were quietly preparing. There was courage, faith and selflessness. There was Peace too.

2. Meghu and I were perhaps directing a movie. We had assistant directors, but I was aware that Meghu and I were just 100% compatible. He knew exactly how I wanted things without me uttering even a word. I knew how Meghu thought. And to top it all, we saw things the same way. Knowing that Meghu and I were just 100% compatible was giving me a sense of immense satisfaction and reassurance.

I slept for 6 hours which isn't sufficient for me. But I woke up in a good mood, without a headache, which is unusual.

I think my dreams mirrored what I had been thinking about through the previous night. And I am pleased to find that it has perfectly understood what my conscious mind intended to do. Which means my decisions have seeped through well, and hopefully there won't be much discord within :) My subconscious also showed me how I will 'feel' after I have worked on my lessons of giving freely.

I will feel satisfied and peaceful. And that is all I have been seeking.

I must be on the right path.

My Spiritual Umbrella

I have a hint that my current life-lessons are all about growing horizontally. Expanding, connecting, reaching out. GIVING.

Some time in the past I shut myself as a reaction to feeling cheated and being taken for granted. I need not stop helping, I only need to learn to be more discerning. To know who truly needs and values help, and then go and reach out to them.

This is about focussing a lot of my attention to release excessive control and worry, to drop excuses of scarcity and lack of time and actually deliberately expand my power to help people.

These are the ideas I want to work on:
1. Project WinterWarmth
2. Treat for Ruby and Neeraj
3. Ongoing training for Ruby
4. Awareness about recycling resources - especially paper
5. Awareness about consumption of honey
6. Awareness about Organic Gardening
7. Awareness about saving electricity
8. Blood Donation
9. Spread the word about that 'giving shop' in Ahmedabad
10. Find a point of contact in Ahmedabad who can receive and drop gifts from people all over India/ World to that shop
11. Explore the possibility of opening such a shop in Delhi
12. Volunteer or teach a course at Tihar Jail
13. Give gifts to those 2 kids
14. Suggest to people the idea of carrying small biscuit packets while travelling, to give to hungry beggars, instead of change.

Earnestly want to expand the size of my Spiritual Umbrella.