2 Bucks Each for a Smile

This shared vehicle service available to and from the Metro Station requires that a vehicle moving from there be filled to full capacity (and more) to get highest returns. So drivers and passengers some times need to wait really long while more passengers are found.

Today, we waited 15-20 minutes. Some restless college boys did urge the driver to not wait too long, but he wanted his profits, he gets a turn after a long wait in the queue. However, pressure from within the vehicle eventually caused him to start off with just 8 passengers instead of his regular 10-11. He wasn't happy. We all hoped that he would find some on the way, but that didn't happen.

So I thought I would pay him 2 persons' fare to make up a little for his loss. Then an idea struck. I asked all the passengers at the back, if each of them could contribute just 2 bucks, besides the usual fare. Some were not willing, which I can understand - college-going boys may not have a sizeable amount of pocket money, and those 2 bucks can mean 4 photocopies. But most agreed and I volunteered to collect the fare plus the contribution from 6 passengers including me.

When I got down at my stop, I handed the driver the money, currency notes for the regular fare and a stack of coins as a gift from us. He didn't say anything, just took the money. A guy at the back asked him if he was happy, as if to pacify him. This was the same guy who led the pressurising. The same guy who urged me, the only female in the van, to 'request' the driver to move. The same guy who thought I was asking only him to pay 2 bucks extra! The guy who told the driver, we were all like his kids and it's okay once in a while (!!!!!)

So this guy acted cool, "At least now you are happy...?" As I got down, I looked at the driver and told him he needn't be so pissed off after all. I saw a bright sweet smile on his face. There had been no bad blood anyway, but the bad mood was lifted and now things were good.

As the van revved up again to reach its destination, the cool college kid smiled at me and said, "Nice idea!"

I was grateful everyone got a chance to make the driver's day. It was not about losing out on fare for 2 extra passengers. It wasn't about 2 bucks that cost us all. It was about a kind gesture. It was about the joy felt by all of us in giving to this saddened man. That will stay in our memories for a long time, and hopefully inspire more kindness.

Fooled Me Again!

Ruby's mother came to inform us one late afternoon that they will be taking a leave the next day (which was yesterday). Generally they take leaves on Sundays, but we said "OK". So they didn't come yesterday. And they didn't come today either.

The difference was - we were not informed about today. I waited and waited and finally called, to be answered by her mother (who had recently won my trust), she explained the reason and I knew the circumstances so I knew it was a big deal. She asked me to manage for a day, and she would come to work tomorrow (it is a Sunday). She also asked if I was angry.

What do I say????????

Just how much will people try my patience? How much more will they take me for granted? Is building the relationship just my onus? Why is it expected only from me to be accommodating, understanding and sensitive?

Why do I trust them repeatedly only to feel cheated over and over again?

I have decided to cut her salary to compensate for this extra leave, and cut even more for not informing me of the leave.

But the lesson learnt is that a relationship involves more than 1 person. And if has to exist, all parties involved will have to be motivated to make it work. It is time for them to make deposits with me, stop withdrawals of all kinds. This is if they want to keep our association going.

And the hard fact that it is possible for people to not care about things that are working well for them. For example, Ruby says I am the best employer she's had so far. If I am to sack her, will she lose out on anything? I am not sure she cares enough for what she receives from me.

There are people who do not deserve your niceness, simply because they don't understand they are being treated nicely.

And Jill Will Never Come Tumbling After (Today)

Meet Jill. My neighbour, a mother of 2 small girls. Husband doesn't live with them because he is away in the North-East trying to start a tea business. Jill has a brother called Jack, and they were named so by the daughter of the American who founded the orphanage that Jill and Jack lived in. This American called 'Papa' showered these orphans with such things that even normal children with parents wouldn't dream of. There were imported toys, there was muesli and lots of fresh breads and honey and marmalades for breakfast. There was a swimming pool, I am told, in the orphanage. And other things that made that place a palace.

Jill and Jack grew up and had to move on in life. Jill worked at a call centre where she met her to-be husband from Assam and eventually married him. The guy's family has still not accepted Jill (it must now be 5 years that they are married). Jill and Jack are not really in touch, from what I am told. They both live in Delhi of course, but aren't emotionally close.

Ever since we moved into this new flat (I am blessed to be living here), Jill has been the kind of neighbour you would NOT want. Instead of being a helpful one, she actually started asking favours. Just the second day early morning, she put her baby in the arms of my sleepy husband, and asked us to take care of her while she went to run a quick errand to the nearby Jail!! We had cartons all over the place, we were exhausted from moving apartments, and we were finally enjoying a good sleep when she did this utterly bizarre thing. She not only woke us up, she made sure we were wide awake, the baby figured out her mom was away and she was with complete strangers and cried her lungs out for nearly an hour. We did all we could, but we couldn't help being new, we didn't have her pacifier, we didn't have her favourite toy, Damn it, we didn't have her mummy!!! Mummy Jill hadn't bothered to leave a mobile number we could call.

Thereafter, every single day (or so it feels) Jill  has been coming to ask favours. Dabbu, the baby was left with us one more time, many many litres of purified water were taken from us numerous times because of a water purifier she was too lazy to get fixed. And phone chargers have been borrowed on various occasions as well.

Then she goes to meet her husband (without informing him that she's coming). She asks me not to tell her maid that she is gone (so that she wouldn't demand her salary from Jill), she didn't even inform the older daughter's school bus driver for the same reason. Turned out, she hadn't informed her landlord (who asked us regularly if she had returned... she had left the house windows open, and she hadn't been paying the rent) either, nor the cable operator. This woman left with her daughters with no fixed date of returning.

She wouldn't answer calls, she would use unknown numbers to get in touch. The landlord was threatening to call the Police to break into the house. And everyone was disgruntled. She never actually came on the dates she said she would. What was supposed to be a trip of maximum 2 weeks got extended to nearly 4 months.

The older daughter has been expelled from school for missing so many days of tuition. Jill is back and back to her natural ways. Lazy, irresponsible and careless. She came today morning to get her phone charged again, and I said yes with some hesitation.

Then as I plugged her phone in, I decided that I have had enough with her. In the name of help, she is taking advantage. As my husband puts it, "We might want to help people. But not when someone on the street taps on your shoulder and asks if you could please tie his shoelaces since he was too lazy to do it." We have tried helping Jill address the real problem. We tried helping her find technicians to fix her water purifier. She didn't use the help. We reminded her many times to buy a new original charger. She didn't. This is one person who does NOT want to help herself. She wants to sit there watching TV all day and screaming at her daughter.

I think Jill spends energy thinking how others can help her. How she needn't move an inch while others go out of their way to fix things for her. I think it comes from her childhood days when all was taken care of for her, and she was fully spoilt. She wasn't taught to take responsibility, and so she isn't. She is in fact demanding that she be 'adopted'.

Such a neighbour is frustrating. The 3+ months that she was not here were blissful for me. She returned yesterday, and today she has begun her begging. So I decided to tell her how I felt about things, and how I want to discourage her from knocking on our door so regularly.

I talked to her, she tried to listen. She put it down to the kind of people my husband and I were. I had guessed that she wouldn't understand. In fact I won't be surprised if she becomes hostile and passive-aggressive and starts doing little things to avenge herself. I will pray that she believe me when I say that in times of emergencies and crises we are ready to help. But we don't appreciate dependence, clinging and parasite-like behaviour.

She apologised, attributed the trouble we faced to the kind of people we were and said she won't come to us again. I am interested in the third phrase. Hopefully, she won't come to us again.

P.S: As expected, I was talking to her alone, Meghu chose not to support me. He maintains that he would have been assertive the 6th time Jill came asking for help. I am not sure of that. What I know is that he will enjoy the benefits of my actions without making any effort.

Some Updates

1. One of my micro-goals this year is to donate blood. Meghu and I were going to do it together so that I would have his moral support. But the other day, I saw an opportunity right where I was, and philosophised that maybe I am Meant to donate blood without Meghu by my side so that I can face my fear completely.

But it so happened that the doctor in the van looked at my palm and my eyes and pronounced that my haemoglobin level wasn't enough for donating blood. I gaped at him, how could he be so sure without doing an actual test?! I tried to reason with him that I have been fine lately, although earlier I had been put on iron supplements etc.

He politely refused. I got down disappointed, and met another staff outside the van, who insisted I do a test. There were two pathologists at the rear end of the van who would help me. They did the test, and said the same thing. My HB level was not enough.

I could not donate blood, and the doctor was a genius.

2. The last sweater was donated by Meghu to an old beggar lady the same day as my blood donation disappointment.

3. I did make my feelings known to Ruby after all. She came cheekily, trying to make small talk, but I was in no mood. I found an opportunity to talk when Meghu was out for a few minutes. We didn't teach her that day, on my decision. She did apologise but I let my angry demeanour be, for her to remember long enough to avoid such breaches of trust.

It worked. Next few days I was away when she came to work. Meghu taught her, but she kept enquiring if I my anger had extinguished. She went beyond her usual tasks and pro-actively did more jobs around the house to assuage me, perhaps. Even today came with an opportunity for her to demonstrate loyalty. What her mother told me today about her has helped me rekindle my trust in Ruby, her mother and her sister.

I hope this bond remains. And also the understanding that we will not take each other for granted.

4. Meghu and I had a massive fight lately, the consequences of which have been shameful. We have quickly taken corrective action, but the shame has not left me. Anger really IS just a little short of danger. It possesses you in no time, if you don't control the first feelers of it. It makes you inhuman. It makes you an animal.

I vow to never repeat what I did that day.

5. The TED talk that Nipun Mehta gave is not leaving my head. Something profound has been communicated simply and effortlessly. It has made me cry. And I am still figuring out what part has he touched to make me cry.

6. I love OLX and I love TED Talks as well.

7. I have urged Ruby's mother to send her sister Neeraj to study as well. I was told that Neeraj is shy, but she knows us well, so she can drop the inhibition. Plus she has been writing in Ruby's notebook, thereby expressing a desire to learn. And finally, if two sisters of similar ages study together, there might come a healthy competitiveness between them which will egg each of them to study harder, even if only to outdo the other one :)

8. In the wake of the Delhi rape case, our housing society here had organised a self-defence training for kids and women. I participated for just 1 day and am happy with my decision. I do feel empowered and confident. Thanks to the organisers.

Should one discriminate?

I had been talking to an older cousin, and I happened to ask a question which I didn't intend to be threatening. In other words, if I were asked this question by her, I wouldn't think much before answering it, since there's so much trust established between us.

But she chose not to reply. Maybe it was a sensitive issue to her, maybe she didn't trust me enough. I didn't press her, I instead tackled the point why I asked her what I did. She replied to that. We carried on with the conversation normally, but within me, I was instantly hurt.

I was hurt because she chose to withhold information from me. What was she thinking? That I would know more about her than she wants me to? That I might misuse the information? That I might become a competitor to her?

I don't see her as that. She has called me umpteen number of times for help, and I have always made time for her, for I like her, trust her, admire her. And from how she has been to me, I also saw love and I was touched. It was her affectionate ways towards me that made me trust her more recently. And I have never felt the need to not tell her anything. In fact, she was one of the first few ones in the family whom I told about Meghu. If I could trust her with that sensitive a piece of information, she could have shown trust in me too.

I am hurt that she is so secretive. That she may harbour thoughts that I, of all the people, would misuse her. I wish her prosperity and happiness. And I am not one of those who noses into other people's business to just be able to gossip later or make schemes.

I am hurt because I believed what she thinks of me. I can choose to not believe! and I very well can, because I KNOW how purely I feel for her. I will never ever threaten her, make her feel insecure. She is my sister.

So the point is, she denied me a tiny space under her umbrella, while she's enjoyed herself under mine. Just because she is weak within and so failed to trust me, does not mean that I must deny her mine. Maybe she needs even more love from me, even more demonstration of how I can share with her, how secure I feel within myself to be able to do that. Maybe that will eventually make her put the guards down.

In the meantime, I can hold my umbrella for her, contrary to how I reacted "I won't help her any more" immediately as I was talking to her. I forgive her. I won't ask questions that she may perceive as probing. In fact, I needn't go beyond pleasantries. I can share about myself though.

Because a banyan tree gives the same shade and rest to a robber as to an honest businessman. It does not discriminate. Because it is magnanimous, and because it is beyond insecurity. A robber's immorality is too petty to corrupt the banyan tree's shade.

I forgive you, Sister. I pray that the pain in your heart which makes you insecure and defensive, leave you. I hope my spirit and my love are helpful.

Just One More Sweater Left

As decided, Meghu and I now carry only 1 sweater every outing for a meaningful giving experience. We have distributed 2 and have the last one to go.

So Meghu gave one to a drunk/tired/sleepy man on Saturday and I gave one to a very poor but a very happy child (happy because he had found a laptop bag discarded near a bus stop) who had a thin shirt over him. I interrogated him, of course about the laptop bag (he could have snatched it from someone, since I was seeing him run fullspeed) and then gave him the sweater, ORDERING him to wear it right away. Then we got back into our auto rickshaw and resumed the ride.

I knew in my heart that he didn't wear it, so I looked out, shouted to him to wear it. He was small, got intimidated so tried to act like he was going to wear it, yes.

But I thought, after we were out of each others' sight, that he was too happy about the laptop bag and would ignore the sweater really. But I also know that the skin can't deny the chill here, so he's going to have to use the sweater.

Hopefully.

Sometimes the vibe is not right

Meghu finally got the Smile Cards he had requested from helpothers.org. Cool place that one, says Meghu.

Before we went to buy the chest of drawers, we had lunch out at a restaurant and Meghu had decided to pay for one of the tables as a surprise to the guest eating there. We would pay his bill and leave (so that the act remained anonymous), and the waiter would bring him a SMILE CARD instead which urged him to make someone else happy now that he was pleasantly surprised that someone else had paid for him! And when he did an anonymous deed of kindness, he would leave this card behind for the beneficiary to carry on with the game.

Lovely idea. We tried. But our waiter was very hesitant. I suggested that Meghu talk to the cashier instead, but Meghu was put off by then. He felt that such a thing should not require convincing. Only excitement to see the face of this other patron (only the waiter would, because we would have to be gone by then) who has been pleasantly surprised.

So well, Meghu couldn't carry out what he planned, but he will soon enough. His next book is called the Kindness Project : D

Chest of Drawers

Writing about this makes me supremely happy! We just bought a wonderful chest of drawers at OLX.in that I had been wanting for long. I anyway think chests of drawers are classy pieces of furnitures, but besides that, we needed some extra storage space.

The colour and design of the laminates go just well with the rest of my bedroom furniture. I got a brand new unused one at a price I had been praying for in my heart, without much negotiation. The gentlemen who sold it to us were utmost helpful, co-operative and paternal (that is what I love about that generation. Some of them just think of us as kids and not clients. So they easily go that extra mile to make us comfortable). And the best part is, we didn't have to travel much to get there.

This is a cool day of manifestation. Meghu has even recorded two videos of my celebration. LOL!

Aw, I LOVE my chest of drawers!! HUGS and HUGS to it.

And with this, I have kick-started the meeting of my macro goals for 2013!

Umbrella Abuse

My relationship with Ruby might just go down swing. I have been feeling being taken for granted. Just 2 days ago, we had a chat about what's up with her, and that we want to have open communication instead of the frustration, if any, building up within us all.

That chat revealed that she was finding the cold to be a big hindrance (quite understandable, this is her first Delhi winter experience) which ruined her mood and didn't motivate her to come to work, resulting in sloppy performance mostly. She seemed to be feeling better after that and I thought I would see a better Ruby (as she promised) on Monday.

She hasn't come today. She hasn't bothered to inform. I am very angry. I don't deserve to have a sink overflowing with dishes that need to be washed and an unclean house after really putting in all that effort to build a relationship with her. Most employers don't care to have a bond with their domestic helps.

I have repeatedly seen that my niceness has been taken for granted by this section of people I interact with. I don't know what goes wrong. Do they need a little rudeness? Do they misinterpret my deliberate niceness to be dumbness? Do they don't deserve friendship and oneness? Does there HAVE to be a social divide?

It is not me creating the divide, it seems to be them FORCING their employers to create it. Because of a sick mentality that they don't have enough, that the richer lot doesn't deserve a comfortable life, that they ought to then take shamelessly all that they can find and snatch.

I am angry, because I am hurt and abused. Ruby's probably going to have it from me tomorrow.

I am not sure if all the righteousness should be expected only from me. For this one thing, I don't have Meghu's support. He will not stand by me and speak with me tomorrow when I bring it up with Ruby. This hurts me further. Because she sees Meghu and me to be one unit. If Meghu doesn't express disappointment, she is obviously going to get into favouritism. Automatically dividing my husband and me.

I have had this struggle with Meghu since ever. This is one place where his reason takes a back seat to emotions and concept of 'trust'. Many painful memories of my previous landlady, previous maids and a few others get activated.

I wish Meghu trusted me and my moral sense more.

Silence in the Heart

Meghu shared Nipun Mehta's thought with me : True giving will make you feel silent in your heart.

That is peace for me.

Meghu is a constant guide about giving and other consciousness-raising choices. I am thankful to have him in my life.

Renew Your Connection NOW before it Expires!

I have been recently observing something unpleasant in Ruby's behaviour. Not only her proactivity has reduced, her sincerity at what she is supposed to be doing has gone down too. She seems to dislike something about her job.

I can't put my finger on what's going wrong. We have been making deposits as usual. I discussed many hypotheses with Meghu (because he is interacting much more with her than me), including normal mood swings and PMS. At the same time, we have seen her still being loyal and affectionate to us in small ways. It is confusing.

But I want to address this unconscious unspoken change before it becomes too late. Nothing drastic has happened, only a few rude remarks and taunts. But what is behind this rising bitterness?

Meghu has thrown a hint (why won't he tell me straight? He is too polite to talk directly, even with me). He feels that I spend less time with her. Very well then, I am home for a couple days now due to winter break. I have a good opportunity to observe her, see if there's a pattern, talk to her and find out if there's really something or am I reacting to a false alarm.

In any case, the realisation is that relationships need constant work. You dare not take them for granted or leave them on autopilot. Constant deposits and fixing and plugging are required.

Receiving Gracefully

Meghu and I were midway through our lunch when the doorbell rung. I found a well-dressed woman who wanted some donation for the J&K victims of a bomb blast. I requested her to come a little later since we were having lunch then. The woman insisted thrice. I wasn't liking it, but since I am assertive, I didn't budge. I told her to come LAY-TER. She wasn't understanding, said she would visit houses upstairs and come again (which would take her around 5 minutes, I calculated). I was feeling pressurised.

I had decided in my heart that her behaviour wasn't evoking any sympathy from me. She wasn't requesting for help, she was demanding. But I kept my thoughts to myself, returned to my meal and told Meghu who it was.

To my surprise, Meghu had already given some donation a week ago to these very people. He knows that I don't like to help in cash, but kind. So he reassured me that he gave 50 bucks after a long 15 minute interview with a young man who was soliciting funds. This young man wasn't grateful, he immediately told Meghu that others had given 500 bucks, and that rubbed Meghu the wrong way. Meghu was happy giving him 50, but if the guy wasn't he could very well return those 50.

Now, this woman did come in 5 minutes, and Meghu answered the bell this time. He explained that a donation was already made, so she could try elsewhere. She insisted, she started telling us about their plight, some orphaned children etc. As soon as she mentioned kids, we realised we could give her some sweaters. She didn't feel happy about that. We were already feeling pushed, and now she added disappointment to it. She went on with her pressurising. She made some rude remarks, which made Meghu take back even the Sweater-offer. To which she started telling us how we were not good people, how we had everything and were still not willing to help. I think she mentioned 'God' also somewhere.

I felt Meghu didn't need to be hearing all that, so we had to close the door in her face. We resumed our lunch conversation normally, but I have been disturbed ever since.

Meghu and I have discussed Giving at length. We have realised that:

1. Only JOYFUL GIVING is true giving. If you didn't feel good, overjoyed, peaceful or silent after your act of kindness, that kindness has gone down the drain.

2. Joyful Giving comes 2 situations : if you gave without being asked to AND if your answer to a solicitation of help was received gracefully.

3. Giving does not end in itself. The way it is received makes a lot of difference in how YOU feel after giving, whether you will give again, and the size of your generosity in general.

4. People who receive ARE in some way being rescued from a difficult situation. They must have humility, politeness and gratitude in their manner. If they are cheeky, rude, demanding and pushy, they are confirming their belief that they are entitled to other people's help. That others better yield or else......! Such individuals won't go very far in their cause.

On second thoughts, everyone should be humble, polite and grateful. Even people who are in the giving position.

5. Giving purely is not enough. Giving intelligently is what is required. Use your discretion amply. Don't criticise yourself for denying help to someone who was asking but not deserving. That is the reason why helping a friend copy in examinations is not good. Such giving is NOT GOOD.

6. Give to empower. Avoid giving that encourages dependency. That help is not real help. Just as they say :
Give a hungry man a fish, feed him for a day; teach him how to fish, feed him for a lifetime.
If that means you will take a whole year to gather enough resources for empowering someone, and therefore won't have resources for helping others in small ways; so be it. Better to empower one than to make ten dependent.

Meghu and I are still discussing intermittently. Looks like there's tons to learn about having a generous heart.